5 years

I feel like writing. I think I get rather inward when I get closer to birthdays. One, they mean my kids are getting bigger and no mom truly loves that thought. And second, they signify a big change in who I was vs who I am now.

The early hours of July 19th was the worst day of my life. The worst. There is no going around it. Nothing can take that fear of thinking you are going to die. Like honest to goodness thinking you aren't going to see your family again, or be able to see your new baby grow. But here I am. Living.

The more I learn about medicine, the more I question what happened to me. Were the right calls really made? They obviously worked. But was it best practice. Did the doctor learn anything from my case? Has it happened in the 5 years since? Why was a mass transfusion protocol not followed. I lost 5L of blood, the hospital I work at now has a policy that anything over 3 transfusions in an emergent situation requires other blood products. Did I get other blood products and them not tell me? Or did the hospital not have a similar policy so they just gave me my red blood cells? ...and why does that matter to me so much and make me mad? Am I strong enough to actually read my medical notes in the entirety? A lot are missing, but I have yet to read the nurse notes. I know that's where I am going to find the answers to a lot of my questions.

Why does even just thinking about this day give me that pressure in my chest and tears in my eyes.

It was almost 5 years ago! 5. that's a long time. Enough time for one to get over it. But I'm not. It still haunts me. The shadows are still there. And they suck.

But, I got a beautiful daughter. Heavenly Father knew that I needed her sweet spirit in my life when he sent her. She is so kind, caring, funny. She reminds me of me more than any of the other girls. She is a ray of sunshine.