shadows

Today I cry. I cry for that girl in the bed screaming in pain. I cry for continual healing and empathy. I cry for those who have yet to endure this torment.

I morn for the girl I used to be. The girl who thought I could do anything. The girl who only saw life as rainbows. I miss that girl. Honestly I do. Now all I  look for is for something to go wrong. Just waiting.

How do you go on from this? I'm trying the best I can. How do I make the nightmares stop at night. Or at least make me dream. I don't dream anymore.

Sometimes I just feel like I am living in a shadow. I just want to step out into the sun. But this Shadow has protected me for over a year. I don't even know if I would know what to do if I were to make that jump.

So for tonight I cry.

Peace

I am half way through precepting. And want to know what? I am actually sad. I don't want to leave. I don't know if I will ever be there. I can hope. I can pray, but who knows. This last couple of weeks has been probably the hardest  have had to deal with in a long time. Its hard not to think about my own birth process when its there in front of you for 12+ hours. Its even harder when you have PTSD that causes these memories to be.... I guess more than memories. My first 3 shifts I was constantly on the verge of falling, or actually falling as the moments took me.

I have finished 5 shifts and I did not have one panic attack the last two. I spent a lot of time in OR. I was worried about that as the OR was a big part of my situation. Each step I took in there I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger. There would be moments I would let my mind wonder, and I had the control to say you know what mind, this isn't your party. I'm not going to do your bidding today. And I didn't. I stayed tear free the whole day.

Then my last day we were going to help receive a baby in the room I had Ava in. I didn't even flinch walking in and seeing the mom there ready to give birth. We ended up not actually staying for the actual birth for some reason. But it wasn't because I  couldn't do it. Do you know how amazing that is?!?

I am still going to struggle. Heck I still do. There is not a day that goes by that I am reminded of that day for some reason. And want to know the sucky thing...I never see it as a day of happiness for bringing me Ava. But I just have to remember that I have had many many happy days with her. That one day does not define me or my relationship with my daughter.

Many people have told me that I am strong to be there blah blah blah. I have a hard time hearing that. I don't know why. I don't really feel strong. I am just doing what needs to be done. Who gets this kind of opportunity? not very many.

I have yet to see the nurse that I had. I work the opposite shift. I really hope that I get to see her and tell her thank you. There have been so many times throughout this crazy year called nursing school that I have thought of her and how she treated me. I hope that I will be such a great nurse as she was to me. I am forever grateful for her for so many reasons. And the thought that she will play such a large part of my life from here on out, yet I was only her patient for 12 hours shows me just how impactful a nurse can be. We can make or break someone's hospital stay. I am so honored to be a part of this humbling field. And while I have all of a sudden turned sappy, I am so grateful for my friends and family who have helped me through this last year, and especially the last few weeks. Everyone has known just what I needed to hear. Everyone's kind thoughts mean the world to me. Seriously. I am so blessed.

sigh

Guys, I am so torn. My third shift at L&D was full of everything. The start of the shift I was so in love with nursing here in L&D. It just felt right. Then the mother started to hemorrhage after she had her baby. I couldn't take it. I left and cried for 15 minutes, then called my teacher and cried for another 10 minutes. I told her I couldn't do it, and she said we can talk about moving me somewhere else. But I said no. I can't leave. I need to be there. I wish this wasn't such a big trial in my life. I wish it never happened to me. I wish I didn't have to deal with all these conflicting emotions. I know that's where I need to be...but can I really do it? Will I be putting my patients at risk for being selfish? I just don't know. Only time will tell.

strength

I am in my last semester of nursing school. This semester we precept, where we follow the same nurse for 12 of their shifts. You spend all of nursing school thinking about precepting, and where your dream floor would be. Sometimes, if you time it right it can become a good foot in the door once you leave. I knew a long time ago that I wanted to do Labor and Delivery. No, not wanted to do L&D, but NEEDED to do L&D. I needed to prove that I can do it. I needed to show myself that I cannot let this define and rule my life. So that was my goal for the past year. Then my teacher who just so happens to be a midwife who used to deliver babies at the hospital where I had Ava. She said she could get me an awesome preceptor. So when the list came around to write the top 3 places we wanted to go for some unknown reason I wrote that hospital as my first choice. What was I thinking!?! I found out that my teacher was able to get me on that floor back in July. I was super excited that I was able to do labor and delivery. I was somewhat concerned to go back, but figured I would have enough time to grow and get used to the idea. Time grew and I got more and more excited.

Well, 3 days before my first shift I was driving by the hospital and all of a sudden it all came crushing down. I cried for probably 10 minutes on my drive. Had I made the wrong choice? How could I be so foolish to think that I can do this??? I was so tempted to call my teacher and tell her that I couldn't do it anymore. If it wasn't 11 PM, I probably would have. So instead I called my best friend and cried for another 10 minutes. All of a sudden the day I had been looking forward to became a day of dread. Somehow the days between then and my first day seamed to go faster that humanly possible.

All of a sudden I was driving myself to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning. Blaring the radio. I was not ready. This was too soon. I thought about turning back so many times. But somehow I did it. I parked, collected myself, and walked in. The elevator opens up and if you look straight ahead you see one room door. That happened to be THE room door. Take a deep breath, Alicia. Here we go.

We got our day going and miraculously I was kept my cool. My first delivery, I stood there as the tech was setting up. BAM! flashback number two. Deep breath. I got through the delivery ok, my heart raced a bit after the baby was delivered until the placenta came out. Then mom held the baby for the first time. BAM. Flashback number three. Or I guess you could call it a flashback. More sadness, as that's what I wanted sooooo bad. That's why I went through my10 hour pictocin induced contractions naturally. I didn't want to be stuck to my bed. I wanted to hold my baby right away, put her to the breast and have a great nurser. I wanted to be one of those granola mamas. But instead all that pain was pointless. I did not get that moment after birth I had waited for for ooooh about 4 years. And I still want that moment, but now know that that won't happen.

But I didn't have time to dwell on that, because there was a baby down the hall minutes from being born. So we rushed down there. That birth turned out a lot better. My nurse was charging, so she wasn't in the room, so I couldn't do anything but watch. But that was fine. It can be done. Birth doesn't have to be scary.

I left that day feeling 10 times better than when I started the shift. Maybe I can do this after all.

Day two was today. My nurse gave me a tour. All of a sudden she was showing me the OR. BAM flashback x10. Those are the memories that I hate the most. luckily that was at the end of the tour and the next thing was a bathroom down the hall, so I excused myself. And I cried. And cried. and screamed. And perhaps cried some more. But then I was done. It was done. I truly hope that that is my turning point.

 I really can do this. I am as strong as I hoped. I have yet to actually step in the doors of my room or the OR. So those days may be challenging. But I have faith that I am there for a reason. I can do it. And I will. I can still use your prayers and kind thoughts during this next month. But for now, today, I feel like this is where I am supposed to do.