Each day is better than the one before. It (as in THE uterus incident) used to run through my mind all day. I would relive it. Every Day. All Day. The pain would be there. The guilt. Everything. It would all come back. And it sucked pretty bad. Slowly things have worked their way to where I don't feel that way any more. Now, I see it as a new beginning. There was the Alicia before Ava's birth. And there is the Alicia after. And frankly I like the Alicia after much better.
I am a lot more appreciative to the beauties of life. Such as I was driving down a busy road I drive multiple times a day and in the mists of the dirt and grime of the road I noticed a little bunch of sunflowers by the curb. It was beautiful. In the busy crazyness of today Heavenly Father is still there saying "Hello World. Be comforted, I am here." All it takes is for you to notice Him. I saw them and knew I am in the right direction.
I am not as scared of life. I know that if Heavenly Father wanted me, he would have me up in heaven. I know without a doubt there was a struggle for which path I should take that night. And for some reason I am here still. I honestly believe that a big part of this is nursing. I have never felt a bigger calling. I know that this is somewhere I need to be. I was given an opportunity to understand my patients at a much greater level that I ever would have otherwise. I love that I am able to take that experience with me to hopefully make my patients lives that much better in whatever their condition happens to be, be it a sick child, a mother in labor, or a dying Grandfather.
Don't get me wrong, I still have scars that emerge now and again. Such as watching One Tree Hill of all things. We watched that show every day for the week and a half Chris was home after Ava was born. The day after I got back from the hospital we happened to watch an episode where one of the guy's mom is in the hospital and rushed all over and dies and at the same time someone is having a baby. That was the first time I think I actually cried over it. It was my first trigger. I remember sitting on the couch curled up next to my husband and just sobbing uncontrollably. And he just held me. Chris' sisters have been watching it again and every time I go to their house and see that that is on I just remember freaking out. But the difference between the me now compared to 6 months ago, I don't dwell on it. I accept the thought and feelings and try to go on. Before I would think of that moments and then jump back to reliving my own hospital extravaganza, that would in turn trigger another flashback, and so forth.
So there is hope. With Faith all things are possible.
