why

I have had two pretty awful, near-death experiences during what should have been the best moments of my life. I got to be wheeled away from my family as I am bleeding out, watching my husband hold my new precious baby and wonder if he will be able to be a single dad. Wonder if my mom would loose her only child. I have had to live through those moments not once, but twice. And relive them more than I would want. And they hurt so bad. My two youngest daughters births are forever tainted in my memory as days I lost who I was, rather than happiness of gaining a new child. I have struggled with these two days every day since they happened. I have a hard time hearing of birth announcements. I have to walk away when people talk about their pregnancy or birth. It hurts me too much. I hate that this pain is mine. But, behind my grief of my fertility is a fighter. A fighter that knows that there is someone who has not found their voice like I have and is just waiting to hear my story. Someone is hurting just like me. But unlike me, they are alone. I have been alone in these thoughts, and it is pure torture. I am dedicated to finding you. You--who don't feel like they can voice their true thoughts on motherhood. You--who lost more than you gained during birth. You--who feels alone.

5 years

I feel like writing. I think I get rather inward when I get closer to birthdays. One, they mean my kids are getting bigger and no mom truly loves that thought. And second, they signify a big change in who I was vs who I am now.

The early hours of July 19th was the worst day of my life. The worst. There is no going around it. Nothing can take that fear of thinking you are going to die. Like honest to goodness thinking you aren't going to see your family again, or be able to see your new baby grow. But here I am. Living.

The more I learn about medicine, the more I question what happened to me. Were the right calls really made? They obviously worked. But was it best practice. Did the doctor learn anything from my case? Has it happened in the 5 years since? Why was a mass transfusion protocol not followed. I lost 5L of blood, the hospital I work at now has a policy that anything over 3 transfusions in an emergent situation requires other blood products. Did I get other blood products and them not tell me? Or did the hospital not have a similar policy so they just gave me my red blood cells? ...and why does that matter to me so much and make me mad? Am I strong enough to actually read my medical notes in the entirety? A lot are missing, but I have yet to read the nurse notes. I know that's where I am going to find the answers to a lot of my questions.

Why does even just thinking about this day give me that pressure in my chest and tears in my eyes.

It was almost 5 years ago! 5. that's a long time. Enough time for one to get over it. But I'm not. It still haunts me. The shadows are still there. And they suck.

But, I got a beautiful daughter. Heavenly Father knew that I needed her sweet spirit in my life when he sent her. She is so kind, caring, funny. She reminds me of me more than any of the other girls. She is a ray of sunshine.