husband

My husband and I had a good talk the other night. It started out simple enough. We went to Breaking Dawn. I sat there innocently enough then all of a sudden they were giving Bella a baby she hadn't met. Thats when the panic attack started. She missed those first couple days. Jake had met the baby and she didn't. That was it. I ran out of the theater and cried and cried in the hallway like a crazy person. I came back and he asked if I was ok. Nope. Not ok. But he did the best thing for me. "do you need to hold my hand." Not do I want to. Would I like to. But need. And at that moment I needed my husband. I had never needed him more in my life. Later on we were lying in bed going to sleep and then all of a sudden I coudn't control it anymore. I just started shaking. And he held me tighter than he ever had. It was the first time we really talked about how this has impacted me. I didn't realize how different I have been. But he made me feel safe for the first time in months. He acknowledged that what I'm feeling is ok. He said that we will make it through this. It was the best thing that could have happened. He isn't the one to talk to about feelings and here he is talking about nothing but emotions and mental issues. Its hard to really put into words, but I really wish we talked about this earlier.

Dream

So one of the clinical signs of PTSD is nightmares. Before I had Ava, I would have crazy dreams. But they were always light and fluffy. I was friends with everyone from Glee. I was saving a fish that was swimming in the toilet. My sister in law gave birth to a puppy. You know, the usual run of the mill dreams.

When I went to my counselor for the first time we went through all the symptoms and he asked if I had had any dreams about it. I said no. But then  I got thinking I hadn't really had many dreams since it happened. But the few I have had were a lot darker.

Well last night I had one that pretty much seals the deal that it has seeped into dreamland.

I started out in a ballroom school. I had a partner that was really good and we both were throwing hints and clues to each other as such. So I broke up with my boyfriend who I hadn't talked to in a month(I wasn't married. And Chris wasn't even the boyfriend. So I don't feel THAT bad for breaking up with him. lol). When I told my partner, he told me he was married and I should go away. So I walk forever barefoot in the snow to some hidden beach. Everything that has happened has been night, might I add. I get to the beach and start cutting my wrists with a flat head screwdriver. Then some creepy old man called me over to look at him skin a small pig. He starts taking the skin off and realized the pig is real bloated. So he squeezes its belly and poop comes out. Then all of a sudden a dead baby pops out. Then he starts freaking out because the placenta is stuck inside the pig and he broke the cord. I run away from the man. Then I woke up.

So, yea. Interpret that as you will. I feel disconnected with my husband from nursing school. I'm wanting to try to take some control in my life. And I am still struggling with my stupid uterus issues.

Ummm Yea.

So last time we conversed I had a hard time at school with chest tubes of all things.

Well, it happened again. Unfortunately. This time at clinicals. It was my last one of the semester, naturally. I had done so good. Made it through labor and delivery and postpartum. They were great. This last week I was in woman's survices taking care of mainly women who have had lady surgeries, hysterectomies, bladder prolaps surgeries, ect. But there are a few postpartum mommies if they are somewhat full over there. My postpartum mom wanted to take a shower. So I left to get some towels. I came back and she was tring to get the water warm, I looked down and she had a shower chair there with her things on it. That was it. The trigger.

When I was in the hospital recovering my big thing was that I wasn't ready to go home if I couldn't shower. I wanted to be able to shower at the hospital because I didn't want to be home and have something happen since I was so weak. I asked if they could find me a shower chair to put in there. They couldn't find one. They finally were able to get a big one on wheels. Well it didn't fit in the shower. So it did me no good. I finally showered shortly before I got discharged. It was the best and worst shower in the world. It felt so good to be in the water getting clean after 4 days in a hospital bed and giving birth. But I was so paranoid that my body would fail me again and I would pass out or something. Luckily, nothing eventful happened.

First I was paturbed angry that she had one and I didn't. Then I was upset that she didn't use it and just put her toiletries on it. Then I was angry at myself for thinking this. And then I was holding back tears. I text my clinical instructor saying I needed to talk. She came up and practically as soon as I saw her I just busted out crying. She got about 2 months worth of pent up emotion thrown at her. She was the only one who didn't know about my situation, so I'm sure I cought her off guard.

We ended up talking for about an hour. I am so glad I talked to her. She told me things about that situation that I had never really thought of. It went to a very spiritual level, which was just what I needed. She showed me parts of me that I never knew. In short, I had been so mad at Heavenly Father for letting this happen to me, I failed to notice that he was right there with me when I was in so much pain. She even said I am one of the bravests girls she has met to go through with nursing school right after that with two kids and everything else. I don't know how true that really is since she is an ICU nurse and I'm sure she sees lots of brave individuals fight for their life. But, I'll take the complament.

I really need to get back to my counseler. It through me off and was so unexpected I didn't even think to do my relaxation techniques. Thats not a good sign. And the fact that I had two pretty good attacks in just a couple days means I need to get back in control. I can't let the situation take over again. Nope. Not going to happen.

strange day

Today was strange. I hadn't had any bad flashbacks in a couple weeks. I haven't been to my counseler in a couple weeks because I've been so busy and I haven't really felt like I needed to. I've been pretty stable.

...until today.

I don't know what it was. We were talking about chest tubes of all things. That has nothing to do with a bleeding uterus. I guess it was the fact that they should be put in in the OR and it can be an emergency. I don't know. I so wanted to just get out of my seat and just run. I probably would have had it not been so cold. And the teacher was right by my desk area lecturing the entire class, and it would have just been awkward. Then I realized I should do my relaxing techniques and that calmed me down. But, ever since that happened I have just been in this funk. I hate the crappy feeling that they leave me to deal with. It just makes my day annoying. And annoying is not a good way to spend your day.

As much as I hate the panic attack filled flashbacks, I am glad I had one to show me that what I experience was a big deal. For a while now I've been thinking maybe I have just been overreacting to everything. But that showed me that I am human and it did impact me. I didn't make it up. It was real. It was raw. And I liked it. (quick name that movie).


On a slightly unrelated note, I kind of want to get my medical records of what happened. But I don't know if that will help me any or just make it worse. But now the nurse in me wants to see how everything went down from the other perspective.

Anywho, don't be boring, endulge in the morning and have some laughing cow.  I'm not getting any endorcement for that, the comercial just came on.

love and peace
Me

success

Success. I have successfuly been able to meditate and remember my event without having a panic attack. It felt so good to have control over my situation and not the other way around. I still get moments, but not nearly as bad as they were and not as frequent. I think I might be on the right track.