Second Time Shadows

For the past 2+ years I have been very involved in the maternal mental health world. I have rubbed shoulders with some pretty impressive people in this field. I have been a leader for Climb out of the Darkness, one of the largest events for postpartum depression awareness, for two years. I have been interviewed for the newspaper and TV news. I have helped start a support group that is actually pretty successful and well attended. For being "just a mom" I have done a lot, and I have learned a lot more. I have talked to numerous strangers that postpartum mood or anxiety disorders doesn't just have to be feeling sad, there is so much more to them, and that THERE IS HOPE. It does get better. Someone once described me as a "postpartum powerhouse." I have found my passion.

However, I have also found my vice. I know the signs. I know the feelings. And here I am 3 weeks postpartum seeing the signs in myself. The intrusive thoughts. The numb feeling. And lets not forget the endless amount of tears that are shed in the shower. I know whats going on. And yet, I don't want to admit it. Why? Because of the dang stigma of mental health that I have been trying to fight. I don't want to be seen as someone who needs help. I don't want to acknowledge that it has hit me again.

And that is the beauty of the beast. It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care who I am, or what I have done. It is up to me to do the things I know I need to do. I am the one who needs to keep going to support group. I need to admit that I could use help.  I need to do my best to not close myself off to others. That is one of my biggest fears. Last time I had no choice but to get up every day and go to nursing school and at least for those hours pretend that I was normal and in control of my brain. I had a distraction. Now, my distraction is.... I don't know what it is, but I need to find one. Most importantly, I need to find a good therapist.

What can you do? Spend time with me. Give me something to look forward to and give me a reason to get out of my yoga pants. Give me a quick text. See a funny cat joke and tag me in it. If you ask me how I am don't expect an answer more than good or fine. Its not that I am purposefully trying to be deceitful, I'm just so used to telling myself that I am fine it just comes out. Or I just don't feel like talking about it or crying again. But do give me a hug no matter what my answer is. You will soon know if I'm having a normal day or an off day. The good news is that I have been having far more good days than bad.

The even better news is that I have conquered this once before. I can surely do it again. And I will. Just give me time. I am, after all, a warrior mom.