I can no longer be stoic. I guess it is a good time to mention that I am 25 weeks pregnant. I have gone through every emotion imaginable for this pregnancy. While I have wanted another child for a long time now and I thought I was ready to go through all of this again, turns out it has been a little harder than I imagined. But I guess that's ok. It is all a part of the journey, and I wouldn't be who I am without this journey being placed before me.
First trimester flew by. I was horribly nauseous and exhausted for 2 months. But it got me distracted on what is to come. I started looking for a doula early on because I knew that once it all hit me I would need some extra support. I found one who I think will be exactly what I need. I am going to a different provider who I trust 100%. I actually met her while I was precepting a few years ago and she actually acknowledged me, which most doctors didn't if they didn't have a true reason. They have done extra scans on the placenta to make sure everything was as it should be. I have had a fairly easy pregnancy thus far, which is very reassuring. I am taking advantage of every day I feel fairly normal because I know the day will come when I feel huge and miserable.
My problem remains in my brain, unfortunately. Although I have taken every precaution I could think of, I am still petrified. I am scared to be in pain again. I am scared to push again. I am scared to be rushed out of the room. I'm scared to have flashbacks again. I am scared I might leave my children motherless. I am scared that I am being selfish trying to bring another child into this family when I am alive now and can enjoy my family of 4. Basically I'm just scared of everything.
Well, I'm not really scared that another inversion will happen. I know that I can be ok if that happens. I have a plan for that. It is all the other 100s of things that don't typically go wrong but can. My body failed me once, what will make it not fail me again in one way or another?
I want to go natural again. I feel like I went through all of that with Ava but I missed out on all the reasons why I wanted it in the first place. But I am scared for that too. Will I be able to handle the pain again? Will it throw me into a flashback that just messes everything up? I'm scared to be vulnerable again and at the mercy of "labor." Ava's birth turned me into a control freak. I don't like not being in control. It freaks me out. I never want to be that vulnerable again as I was with my doctor elbow deep holding my Uterus in place so I wouldn't die as they run me to the Operating Room. Part of me just wants to say lets do a C-section. its more predictable. It can be controlled better. But is that putting up a white flag and letting this take over my life again? Ok, I know I'm not going to ask for one. I chose a midwife for a reason so I wouldn't be tempted once it is closer.
I want to blame my pregnancy hormones, but I find myself crying again. Like hiding in a dark room in the fetal position crying. Intrusive thoughts have started to pop up. I feel like the last month I have taken 5 huge steps back in my recovery. And that totally sucks. I used to be in a place where all this was just a memory. I did The Climb in June and I was on top of the world. I was advocating for maternal mental health. I actually felt a little guilty with how normal I felt compared to a lot of the other mothers I met. That normal is gone and I kind of want it back. I am getting snippy at people again. My thoughts are getting flighty. (Ok, that one might be pregnancy related.) All that I am missing is the flashbacks and I would be right back at square one. ... actually I take that back. I have had a small one while I was driving and just thinking. But on the plus side of that it kept me awake enough to drive home after my grave shift.... but I digress. Basically, my brain sucks again.
I have tried to write this all down for weeks. But I just couldn't get it out. That is unusual for me. I think a lot of it is I don't want to admit that I'm not in as much control as I thought. I have spent the last 3 years trying to overcome my PTSD. I am now realizing that this is something that I will never be able to control. I can be better. I can have a seemingly normal life, but it is still there. Waiting. So it is up to me to be able to acknowledge that it is still a part of my life, and how far I have come. I don't have daily, or hourly, panic attacks. My flashbacks don't debilitate me anymore. I'm not depressed. I have come a long ways. And once I have this baby, I will be able to say I have come even farther. This is just a part of my journey. And I guess I just need to embrace it.
