you know, life is strange sometimes.
I don't really talk about this very much. It is a pretty sacred part of my soul. But I feel like I need to share a little. I have had to cope with life after nearly dying. Often times I have had to question why I was saved. Why did I choose to stay here? Why didn't I take the road with less pain? The road of comfort and happiness? You would think that with those options I would have done something different. Anyone would, you would think?? Especially in the place and pain I was at. But for some unknown reason it wasn't my time. But it could have been. I believe when I was in my white tunnel (yes, I saw a white tunnel. I know.) that I had the choice and I chose here. I was searching for which way to go. And I followed my daughters voice.
So I have come to the conclusion that I am here to be her and Ava's mother. And not just their mom, but someone who teaches them. Who helps show right from wrong. I need to lead by example. Lately I haven't done so hot. I have been more focused on me and my problems. I realized today that I need to spend more time living life, instead of waisting it away wallowing away in self pity self absorbed on my phone.
I had the opportunity to be involved in something truly amazing today. My friend in school is pretty sick. Not cancer sick, but close. I entered her story to win a free cake back in the beginning of October. Well she won and it snowballed into this crazy thing I would never have imagined. Between the cake lady and my class we were able to get over $1000 in donated things. Gift cards up the wazoo like family pictures, hair and nails, gas card, food, movies, essential oils, scentsy among other things. This basket was huge!!!! Not to mention the cake was downright awesome. It felt good to help someone. For the first time in a long time I wasn't sitting in my little pity party. I was actually excited for something! And that hasn't really happened for a while. It was great.
It really got me thinking, my near death experience is behind me. I have experienced something that not very many people have. (which is a good thing, obviously) But I can use that and take it with me in my future endeavors. There are people who are looking death straight in the eyes. I know that feeling. Mine might have been minutes compared to months, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know what if feels like. I understand. And I hope that just for a moment that that burden is lifted for my friend.
Maybe I need to go into hospice.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
my journey of growth. This is How We Grow Blog Hop, 2013
(If you are joining me for the first time, please refer to the page on top titled "The Story" to get the details of my own birth experience.)
So a few months back I had a conversation with my teacher at school. I asked if I can precept at the hospital and Labor and Delivery unit I almost died in. I needed to do this. I needed to make sure that L&D is where I need to be. But most importantly I needed to know that I can do it--that I can see someone in pain from contractions, I can see my doctor deliver a baby. I needed to know that that I can be strong enough to not only witness all that but be able to keep my cool and nurse on. In my heart I knew L&D is where I am supposed to be, but could my mind handle it too?
That week before it was rough. I was panicy, grumpy, sad, and everything in between. I cried the whole drive to the hospital the first day. I didn't look down the hallway to my room when I got off the elevator. I couldn't do it. I was a wreck but I went in and I did it. The day was great. I loved labor nursing. The second day, my nurse gave me a tour of the unit which included the OR. For some reason that caught me off guard. Luckily, that was at the end of the tour and there was a bathroom right there that I excused myself to to cry and scream. But other than that it was ok. I witnessed a postpartum hemorrhage, that made me go and cry. ...rather hysterically really. And call my teacher and say I can't do it anymore. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said no.
But you know what? Now 135 hours later walking the same hall way I was rushed through that night, I have courage. I have strength. I came out of this experience learning several things. 1-I am not ready to take on the roll of a Labor nurse YET. But I know in my heart I will be. It might not be in a month, or in a year. But I know that is my place in this world. That is exactly what I was looking for in this journey. 2- I know there is an important part of pregnancy and labor that is ignored. And that is the mental well being of the mother. I had mothers besides themselves because their last was an emergency, or they lost a child or what have you. There needs to be more for moms like us. We need someone to come in the room with the knowledge that this person has previously had a hardship and to make sure that they are comfortable being in that bed with the monitors on. They need to know that just because their last one might have been bad, does not mean that this one will be. They need to know that someone cares. They get asked about previous pregnancies and labors all the time. Its not fair that it gets brought up like that to remind them what they have gone through and not have any extra support. I know when the time comes and I am in labor I will be nervous. And I also know that my support people wont know what to do. But someone with knowledge on relaxation, information, ect will do tremendous things. Just knowing that someone is there like that will help to not feel so alone.
I have grown so much as a person and as a nurse. I know where I need to be and I know what needs to be done. I just now need to know where to go from here. All I can say, is I am so fortunate that I have been able to experience this. I didn't have to put myself through that. I could have chosen a billion other places to go. I didn't even need to spend my time with Labor and Delivery. But I knew deep down that that was where I should be, and I'm so glad I was strong enough to be that vulnerable . Someone has a plan for me, and I fear that it is bigger than I am. But it will be worth it.
I am happy.
I am posting this to the This is How I Grow Blog Hop. feel free to go there and read other inspirational blogs. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/invitation-join-this-is-how-we-grow-blog-hop/
So a few months back I had a conversation with my teacher at school. I asked if I can precept at the hospital and Labor and Delivery unit I almost died in. I needed to do this. I needed to make sure that L&D is where I need to be. But most importantly I needed to know that I can do it--that I can see someone in pain from contractions, I can see my doctor deliver a baby. I needed to know that that I can be strong enough to not only witness all that but be able to keep my cool and nurse on. In my heart I knew L&D is where I am supposed to be, but could my mind handle it too?
That week before it was rough. I was panicy, grumpy, sad, and everything in between. I cried the whole drive to the hospital the first day. I didn't look down the hallway to my room when I got off the elevator. I couldn't do it. I was a wreck but I went in and I did it. The day was great. I loved labor nursing. The second day, my nurse gave me a tour of the unit which included the OR. For some reason that caught me off guard. Luckily, that was at the end of the tour and there was a bathroom right there that I excused myself to to cry and scream. But other than that it was ok. I witnessed a postpartum hemorrhage, that made me go and cry. ...rather hysterically really. And call my teacher and say I can't do it anymore. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said no.
But you know what? Now 135 hours later walking the same hall way I was rushed through that night, I have courage. I have strength. I came out of this experience learning several things. 1-I am not ready to take on the roll of a Labor nurse YET. But I know in my heart I will be. It might not be in a month, or in a year. But I know that is my place in this world. That is exactly what I was looking for in this journey. 2- I know there is an important part of pregnancy and labor that is ignored. And that is the mental well being of the mother. I had mothers besides themselves because their last was an emergency, or they lost a child or what have you. There needs to be more for moms like us. We need someone to come in the room with the knowledge that this person has previously had a hardship and to make sure that they are comfortable being in that bed with the monitors on. They need to know that just because their last one might have been bad, does not mean that this one will be. They need to know that someone cares. They get asked about previous pregnancies and labors all the time. Its not fair that it gets brought up like that to remind them what they have gone through and not have any extra support. I know when the time comes and I am in labor I will be nervous. And I also know that my support people wont know what to do. But someone with knowledge on relaxation, information, ect will do tremendous things. Just knowing that someone is there like that will help to not feel so alone.
I have grown so much as a person and as a nurse. I know where I need to be and I know what needs to be done. I just now need to know where to go from here. All I can say, is I am so fortunate that I have been able to experience this. I didn't have to put myself through that. I could have chosen a billion other places to go. I didn't even need to spend my time with Labor and Delivery. But I knew deep down that that was where I should be, and I'm so glad I was strong enough to be that vulnerable . Someone has a plan for me, and I fear that it is bigger than I am. But it will be worth it.
I am happy.
I am posting this to the This is How I Grow Blog Hop. feel free to go there and read other inspirational blogs. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/invitation-join-this-is-how-we-grow-blog-hop/
Friday, November 8, 2013
1 year
** I wrote this for my personal blog July 20 2013. I decided it should be on this blog too as it is very much part of my journey of postpartum PTSD.***
I have tried to write this blog for a while, but it never came out right. Maybe tonight it will.
Today I just finished my RN1 semester. It is hard to believe that a year ago at his time I was at my deepest low. And that's saying something... A year ago at this time I had a 1 week old baby. I felt ugly. Not only did I have normal new mommy self image problems, I was ridiculously puffy still from my body going through shock. I had thought pregnancy was bad.... wrong. I was so weak at this point that I still was afraid to carry Ava upstairs by myself. I was so blessed that Chris decided to take the week off after the baby was born. I honestly don't know how I could have done it alone. I had a hard time even looking at Ava without busting out in tears. I had so many emotions. Regret. Sadness. Hatred. Most of my time was spent downstairs sleeping or silently crying. That was me. A mess, right?
Somehow, I miraculously got everything ready for nursing school. I had to have my dad come over to carry all my books upstairs, but we made it through. We then miraculously moved my now family of 4 out of our HOME and into my dads so I didn't have to worry about working while in school. There were a lot of sudden changes in our lives in such a short time.
Then, when Ava was only 5 weeks old I started on this journey called Nursing School. I was told I was to have clinicals in Labor and Delivery that semester...REALLY?!? Can't a girl catch a break? We learned all about pregnancy, labor, and childhood. It was a struggle to sit through class sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. More than one occasion I had to leave. It was too much hearing about what "should" happen. What should have happened to me!!! The day we talked about delivery was my turning point. We watched a movie about the "miracle of birth." blah blah blah. I could sit through the pregnancy park ok. The labor part was fine, even the delivery. But when the movie said "the mother now delivers the placenta" while showing a happy family with a newborn, I had had it. It is such an overlooked part of pregnancy that they didn't even show anything and merely mentioned it as the mother was cooing over her baby. I snapped. I ran outside and just kept running...and crying. I went outside and just ran. I still remember looking down at my white shoes and blue uniform pants. I must have needed to go to the hospital that night for preassessments. I didn't know where I was going. But I couldn't think of anything else to do to get all my emotions out. I must have looked like a true crazy person running around my school in my uniform with tears streaming down my face. I had planned on going in and telling my teacher, who also happened to be the head of the department, that I was dropping out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. Too soon. But what she did was probably the best thing of my life. She gave me a hug and just let me cry. and cry. and cry. It was the first time since it happened I was able to abandon what I "should" be like and just let go. She assured me that with time and distance I would get better. (she was right. imagine that). She also encouraged me to maybe see a counselor, and that that was ok.
As soon as I left school that day I was on the phone finding someone to see. Counseling was probably the single best thing I did this whole year. I got diagnosed with PTSD, which totally made sense. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The nightmares. It was all me. He was able to teach me what to do once these panic attacks start. Throughout our sessions the goal was for me to be able to think of the whole situation. Each day I could get further and further until I needed to stop and had had enough. Then one day I was able to do it!! I used my relaxing techniques to get me through it. It was an amazing day. I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished in my life.
I was able to go through my L&D clinicals, and not only survive them but leave with a renewed love for it. That has always been my goal when I started the process to become a nurse. I had momentarily been scared that I would have to find somewhere else to go. I will be a labor and delivery nurse.
The months following had their ups and downs. Trying to juggle the riggers and drama of nursing school while trying to stay on top of my illness was rough. Sometimes I was better than others. Sometimes I was better to others. And my husband. Poor Chris has had to deal with psycho-stressed-out wife too many times. He has had the brunt of it. We have struggled as a couple on a few things. But we have made it work. I love him.
As each day goes, I am left with a deeper passion that this is my calling. I was made to be a nurse. Before nursing school I wanted to be a nurse. Now I NEED to be a nurse. I can't think of myself as anything but one. I don't know why I never thought of nursing growing up. It was never on my radar as anything. But I am so glad that it got there somehow.
And so now, here I am. 3 semesters down. 1 to go. I am mentally stable. I am so blessed to be in the program I'm in with teachers who are more than understanding. I would have walked out and never come back. I love my class. I love my friends that I have made. I was really worried that I would be that awkward girl in the corner that was just kind of there. I guess I have grown up since high school. lol. But I have made friends, who will probably stay friends my whole life. Its kind of strange coming from me.
For the past year I have lived, breathed, and drank nursing school. It is hard to believe that in a few short months it will all be over and it will all be a distant memory.... or nightmare depending on what test I'm thinking about. Ava's birth changed me more than I ever thought possible. I am a much more independent, confident person. Life is a gift. literally. It has taught me that humans are more resilient that I ever thought possible. I mean, who goes from their deathbed at the hospital to being at the bedside of others in a hospital in a matter of weeks. The human body is amazing. It can put up with so much. Some doctors are stupid. ....its up to me to stand up to them!! I am not the weak and timid Alicia of the past. I am strong. I am Alicia RN....ok. maybe not yet. But oh so soon!!!!!
I have tried to write this blog for a while, but it never came out right. Maybe tonight it will.
Today I just finished my RN1 semester. It is hard to believe that a year ago at his time I was at my deepest low. And that's saying something... A year ago at this time I had a 1 week old baby. I felt ugly. Not only did I have normal new mommy self image problems, I was ridiculously puffy still from my body going through shock. I had thought pregnancy was bad.... wrong. I was so weak at this point that I still was afraid to carry Ava upstairs by myself. I was so blessed that Chris decided to take the week off after the baby was born. I honestly don't know how I could have done it alone. I had a hard time even looking at Ava without busting out in tears. I had so many emotions. Regret. Sadness. Hatred. Most of my time was spent downstairs sleeping or silently crying. That was me. A mess, right?
Somehow, I miraculously got everything ready for nursing school. I had to have my dad come over to carry all my books upstairs, but we made it through. We then miraculously moved my now family of 4 out of our HOME and into my dads so I didn't have to worry about working while in school. There were a lot of sudden changes in our lives in such a short time.
Then, when Ava was only 5 weeks old I started on this journey called Nursing School. I was told I was to have clinicals in Labor and Delivery that semester...REALLY?!? Can't a girl catch a break? We learned all about pregnancy, labor, and childhood. It was a struggle to sit through class sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. More than one occasion I had to leave. It was too much hearing about what "should" happen. What should have happened to me!!! The day we talked about delivery was my turning point. We watched a movie about the "miracle of birth." blah blah blah. I could sit through the pregnancy park ok. The labor part was fine, even the delivery. But when the movie said "the mother now delivers the placenta" while showing a happy family with a newborn, I had had it. It is such an overlooked part of pregnancy that they didn't even show anything and merely mentioned it as the mother was cooing over her baby. I snapped. I ran outside and just kept running...and crying. I went outside and just ran. I still remember looking down at my white shoes and blue uniform pants. I must have needed to go to the hospital that night for preassessments. I didn't know where I was going. But I couldn't think of anything else to do to get all my emotions out. I must have looked like a true crazy person running around my school in my uniform with tears streaming down my face. I had planned on going in and telling my teacher, who also happened to be the head of the department, that I was dropping out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. Too soon. But what she did was probably the best thing of my life. She gave me a hug and just let me cry. and cry. and cry. It was the first time since it happened I was able to abandon what I "should" be like and just let go. She assured me that with time and distance I would get better. (she was right. imagine that). She also encouraged me to maybe see a counselor, and that that was ok.
As soon as I left school that day I was on the phone finding someone to see. Counseling was probably the single best thing I did this whole year. I got diagnosed with PTSD, which totally made sense. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The nightmares. It was all me. He was able to teach me what to do once these panic attacks start. Throughout our sessions the goal was for me to be able to think of the whole situation. Each day I could get further and further until I needed to stop and had had enough. Then one day I was able to do it!! I used my relaxing techniques to get me through it. It was an amazing day. I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished in my life.
I was able to go through my L&D clinicals, and not only survive them but leave with a renewed love for it. That has always been my goal when I started the process to become a nurse. I had momentarily been scared that I would have to find somewhere else to go. I will be a labor and delivery nurse.
The months following had their ups and downs. Trying to juggle the riggers and drama of nursing school while trying to stay on top of my illness was rough. Sometimes I was better than others. Sometimes I was better to others. And my husband. Poor Chris has had to deal with psycho-stressed-out wife too many times. He has had the brunt of it. We have struggled as a couple on a few things. But we have made it work. I love him.
As each day goes, I am left with a deeper passion that this is my calling. I was made to be a nurse. Before nursing school I wanted to be a nurse. Now I NEED to be a nurse. I can't think of myself as anything but one. I don't know why I never thought of nursing growing up. It was never on my radar as anything. But I am so glad that it got there somehow.
And so now, here I am. 3 semesters down. 1 to go. I am mentally stable. I am so blessed to be in the program I'm in with teachers who are more than understanding. I would have walked out and never come back. I love my class. I love my friends that I have made. I was really worried that I would be that awkward girl in the corner that was just kind of there. I guess I have grown up since high school. lol. But I have made friends, who will probably stay friends my whole life. Its kind of strange coming from me.
For the past year I have lived, breathed, and drank nursing school. It is hard to believe that in a few short months it will all be over and it will all be a distant memory.... or nightmare depending on what test I'm thinking about. Ava's birth changed me more than I ever thought possible. I am a much more independent, confident person. Life is a gift. literally. It has taught me that humans are more resilient that I ever thought possible. I mean, who goes from their deathbed at the hospital to being at the bedside of others in a hospital in a matter of weeks. The human body is amazing. It can put up with so much. Some doctors are stupid. ....its up to me to stand up to them!! I am not the weak and timid Alicia of the past. I am strong. I am Alicia RN....ok. maybe not yet. But oh so soon!!!!!
Monday, October 28, 2013
shadows
Today I cry. I cry for that girl in the bed screaming in pain. I cry for continual healing and empathy. I cry for those who have yet to endure this torment.
I morn for the girl I used to be. The girl who thought I could do anything. The girl who only saw life as rainbows. I miss that girl. Honestly I do. Now all I look for is for something to go wrong. Just waiting.
How do you go on from this? I'm trying the best I can. How do I make the nightmares stop at night. Or at least make me dream. I don't dream anymore.
Sometimes I just feel like I am living in a shadow. I just want to step out into the sun. But this Shadow has protected me for over a year. I don't even know if I would know what to do if I were to make that jump.
So for tonight I cry.
I morn for the girl I used to be. The girl who thought I could do anything. The girl who only saw life as rainbows. I miss that girl. Honestly I do. Now all I look for is for something to go wrong. Just waiting.
How do you go on from this? I'm trying the best I can. How do I make the nightmares stop at night. Or at least make me dream. I don't dream anymore.
Sometimes I just feel like I am living in a shadow. I just want to step out into the sun. But this Shadow has protected me for over a year. I don't even know if I would know what to do if I were to make that jump.
So for tonight I cry.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Peace
I am half way through precepting. And want to know what? I am actually sad. I don't want to leave. I don't know if I will ever be there. I can hope. I can pray, but who knows. This last couple of weeks has been probably the hardest have had to deal with in a long time. Its hard not to think about my own birth process when its there in front of you for 12+ hours. Its even harder when you have PTSD that causes these memories to be.... I guess more than memories. My first 3 shifts I was constantly on the verge of falling, or actually falling as the moments took me.
I have finished 5 shifts and I did not have one panic attack the last two. I spent a lot of time in OR. I was worried about that as the OR was a big part of my situation. Each step I took in there I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger. There would be moments I would let my mind wonder, and I had the control to say you know what mind, this isn't your party. I'm not going to do your bidding today. And I didn't. I stayed tear free the whole day.
Then my last day we were going to help receive a baby in the room I had Ava in. I didn't even flinch walking in and seeing the mom there ready to give birth. We ended up not actually staying for the actual birth for some reason. But it wasn't because I couldn't do it. Do you know how amazing that is?!?
I am still going to struggle. Heck I still do. There is not a day that goes by that I am reminded of that day for some reason. And want to know the sucky thing...I never see it as a day of happiness for bringing me Ava. But I just have to remember that I have had many many happy days with her. That one day does not define me or my relationship with my daughter.
Many people have told me that I am strong to be there blah blah blah. I have a hard time hearing that. I don't know why. I don't really feel strong. I am just doing what needs to be done. Who gets this kind of opportunity? not very many.
I have yet to see the nurse that I had. I work the opposite shift. I really hope that I get to see her and tell her thank you. There have been so many times throughout this crazy year called nursing school that I have thought of her and how she treated me. I hope that I will be such a great nurse as she was to me. I am forever grateful for her for so many reasons. And the thought that she will play such a large part of my life from here on out, yet I was only her patient for 12 hours shows me just how impactful a nurse can be. We can make or break someone's hospital stay. I am so honored to be a part of this humbling field. And while I have all of a sudden turned sappy, I am so grateful for my friends and family who have helped me through this last year, and especially the last few weeks. Everyone has known just what I needed to hear. Everyone's kind thoughts mean the world to me. Seriously. I am so blessed.
I have finished 5 shifts and I did not have one panic attack the last two. I spent a lot of time in OR. I was worried about that as the OR was a big part of my situation. Each step I took in there I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger. There would be moments I would let my mind wonder, and I had the control to say you know what mind, this isn't your party. I'm not going to do your bidding today. And I didn't. I stayed tear free the whole day.
Then my last day we were going to help receive a baby in the room I had Ava in. I didn't even flinch walking in and seeing the mom there ready to give birth. We ended up not actually staying for the actual birth for some reason. But it wasn't because I couldn't do it. Do you know how amazing that is?!?
I am still going to struggle. Heck I still do. There is not a day that goes by that I am reminded of that day for some reason. And want to know the sucky thing...I never see it as a day of happiness for bringing me Ava. But I just have to remember that I have had many many happy days with her. That one day does not define me or my relationship with my daughter.
Many people have told me that I am strong to be there blah blah blah. I have a hard time hearing that. I don't know why. I don't really feel strong. I am just doing what needs to be done. Who gets this kind of opportunity? not very many.
I have yet to see the nurse that I had. I work the opposite shift. I really hope that I get to see her and tell her thank you. There have been so many times throughout this crazy year called nursing school that I have thought of her and how she treated me. I hope that I will be such a great nurse as she was to me. I am forever grateful for her for so many reasons. And the thought that she will play such a large part of my life from here on out, yet I was only her patient for 12 hours shows me just how impactful a nurse can be. We can make or break someone's hospital stay. I am so honored to be a part of this humbling field. And while I have all of a sudden turned sappy, I am so grateful for my friends and family who have helped me through this last year, and especially the last few weeks. Everyone has known just what I needed to hear. Everyone's kind thoughts mean the world to me. Seriously. I am so blessed.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
sigh
Guys, I am so torn. My third shift at L&D was full of everything. The start of the shift I was so in love with nursing here in L&D. It just felt right. Then the mother started to hemorrhage after she had her baby. I couldn't take it. I left and cried for 15 minutes, then called my teacher and cried for another 10 minutes. I told her I couldn't do it, and she said we can talk about moving me somewhere else. But I said no. I can't leave. I need to be there. I wish this wasn't such a big trial in my life. I wish it never happened to me. I wish I didn't have to deal with all these conflicting emotions. I know that's where I need to be...but can I really do it? Will I be putting my patients at risk for being selfish? I just don't know. Only time will tell.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
strength
I am in my last semester of nursing school. This semester we precept, where we follow the same nurse for 12 of their shifts. You spend all of nursing school thinking about precepting, and where your dream floor would be. Sometimes, if you time it right it can become a good foot in the door once you leave. I knew a long time ago that I wanted to do Labor and Delivery. No, not wanted to do L&D, but NEEDED to do L&D. I needed to prove that I can do it. I needed to show myself that I cannot let this define and rule my life. So that was my goal for the past year. Then my teacher who just so happens to be a midwife who used to deliver babies at the hospital where I had Ava. She said she could get me an awesome preceptor. So when the list came around to write the top 3 places we wanted to go for some unknown reason I wrote that hospital as my first choice. What was I thinking!?! I found out that my teacher was able to get me on that floor back in July. I was super excited that I was able to do labor and delivery. I was somewhat concerned to go back, but figured I would have enough time to grow and get used to the idea. Time grew and I got more and more excited.
Well, 3 days before my first shift I was driving by the hospital and all of a sudden it all came crushing down. I cried for probably 10 minutes on my drive. Had I made the wrong choice? How could I be so foolish to think that I can do this??? I was so tempted to call my teacher and tell her that I couldn't do it anymore. If it wasn't 11 PM, I probably would have. So instead I called my best friend and cried for another 10 minutes. All of a sudden the day I had been looking forward to became a day of dread. Somehow the days between then and my first day seamed to go faster that humanly possible.
All of a sudden I was driving myself to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning. Blaring the radio. I was not ready. This was too soon. I thought about turning back so many times. But somehow I did it. I parked, collected myself, and walked in. The elevator opens up and if you look straight ahead you see one room door. That happened to be THE room door. Take a deep breath, Alicia. Here we go.
We got our day going and miraculously I was kept my cool. My first delivery, I stood there as the tech was setting up. BAM! flashback number two. Deep breath. I got through the delivery ok, my heart raced a bit after the baby was delivered until the placenta came out. Then mom held the baby for the first time. BAM. Flashback number three. Or I guess you could call it a flashback. More sadness, as that's what I wanted sooooo bad. That's why I went through my10 hour pictocin induced contractions naturally. I didn't want to be stuck to my bed. I wanted to hold my baby right away, put her to the breast and have a great nurser. I wanted to be one of those granola mamas. But instead all that pain was pointless. I did not get that moment after birth I had waited for for ooooh about 4 years. And I still want that moment, but now know that that won't happen.
But I didn't have time to dwell on that, because there was a baby down the hall minutes from being born. So we rushed down there. That birth turned out a lot better. My nurse was charging, so she wasn't in the room, so I couldn't do anything but watch. But that was fine. It can be done. Birth doesn't have to be scary.
I left that day feeling 10 times better than when I started the shift. Maybe I can do this after all.
Day two was today. My nurse gave me a tour. All of a sudden she was showing me the OR. BAM flashback x10. Those are the memories that I hate the most. luckily that was at the end of the tour and the next thing was a bathroom down the hall, so I excused myself. And I cried. And cried. and screamed. And perhaps cried some more. But then I was done. It was done. I truly hope that that is my turning point.
I really can do this. I am as strong as I hoped. I have yet to actually step in the doors of my room or the OR. So those days may be challenging. But I have faith that I am there for a reason. I can do it. And I will. I can still use your prayers and kind thoughts during this next month. But for now, today, I feel like this is where I am supposed to do.
Well, 3 days before my first shift I was driving by the hospital and all of a sudden it all came crushing down. I cried for probably 10 minutes on my drive. Had I made the wrong choice? How could I be so foolish to think that I can do this??? I was so tempted to call my teacher and tell her that I couldn't do it anymore. If it wasn't 11 PM, I probably would have. So instead I called my best friend and cried for another 10 minutes. All of a sudden the day I had been looking forward to became a day of dread. Somehow the days between then and my first day seamed to go faster that humanly possible.
All of a sudden I was driving myself to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning. Blaring the radio. I was not ready. This was too soon. I thought about turning back so many times. But somehow I did it. I parked, collected myself, and walked in. The elevator opens up and if you look straight ahead you see one room door. That happened to be THE room door. Take a deep breath, Alicia. Here we go.
We got our day going and miraculously I was kept my cool. My first delivery, I stood there as the tech was setting up. BAM! flashback number two. Deep breath. I got through the delivery ok, my heart raced a bit after the baby was delivered until the placenta came out. Then mom held the baby for the first time. BAM. Flashback number three. Or I guess you could call it a flashback. More sadness, as that's what I wanted sooooo bad. That's why I went through my10 hour pictocin induced contractions naturally. I didn't want to be stuck to my bed. I wanted to hold my baby right away, put her to the breast and have a great nurser. I wanted to be one of those granola mamas. But instead all that pain was pointless. I did not get that moment after birth I had waited for for ooooh about 4 years. And I still want that moment, but now know that that won't happen.
But I didn't have time to dwell on that, because there was a baby down the hall minutes from being born. So we rushed down there. That birth turned out a lot better. My nurse was charging, so she wasn't in the room, so I couldn't do anything but watch. But that was fine. It can be done. Birth doesn't have to be scary.
I left that day feeling 10 times better than when I started the shift. Maybe I can do this after all.
Day two was today. My nurse gave me a tour. All of a sudden she was showing me the OR. BAM flashback x10. Those are the memories that I hate the most. luckily that was at the end of the tour and the next thing was a bathroom down the hall, so I excused myself. And I cried. And cried. and screamed. And perhaps cried some more. But then I was done. It was done. I truly hope that that is my turning point.
I really can do this. I am as strong as I hoped. I have yet to actually step in the doors of my room or the OR. So those days may be challenging. But I have faith that I am there for a reason. I can do it. And I will. I can still use your prayers and kind thoughts during this next month. But for now, today, I feel like this is where I am supposed to do.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Things are getting better
Each day is better than the one before. It (as in THE uterus incident) used to run through my mind all day. I would relive it. Every Day. All Day. The pain would be there. The guilt. Everything. It would all come back. And it sucked pretty bad. Slowly things have worked their way to where I don't feel that way any more. Now, I see it as a new beginning. There was the Alicia before Ava's birth. And there is the Alicia after. And frankly I like the Alicia after much better.
I am a lot more appreciative to the beauties of life. Such as I was driving down a busy road I drive multiple times a day and in the mists of the dirt and grime of the road I noticed a little bunch of sunflowers by the curb. It was beautiful. In the busy crazyness of today Heavenly Father is still there saying "Hello World. Be comforted, I am here." All it takes is for you to notice Him. I saw them and knew I am in the right direction.
I am not as scared of life. I know that if Heavenly Father wanted me, he would have me up in heaven. I know without a doubt there was a struggle for which path I should take that night. And for some reason I am here still. I honestly believe that a big part of this is nursing. I have never felt a bigger calling. I know that this is somewhere I need to be. I was given an opportunity to understand my patients at a much greater level that I ever would have otherwise. I love that I am able to take that experience with me to hopefully make my patients lives that much better in whatever their condition happens to be, be it a sick child, a mother in labor, or a dying Grandfather.
Don't get me wrong, I still have scars that emerge now and again. Such as watching One Tree Hill of all things. We watched that show every day for the week and a half Chris was home after Ava was born. The day after I got back from the hospital we happened to watch an episode where one of the guy's mom is in the hospital and rushed all over and dies and at the same time someone is having a baby. That was the first time I think I actually cried over it. It was my first trigger. I remember sitting on the couch curled up next to my husband and just sobbing uncontrollably. And he just held me. Chris' sisters have been watching it again and every time I go to their house and see that that is on I just remember freaking out. But the difference between the me now compared to 6 months ago, I don't dwell on it. I accept the thought and feelings and try to go on. Before I would think of that moments and then jump back to reliving my own hospital extravaganza, that would in turn trigger another flashback, and so forth.
So there is hope. With Faith all things are possible.
I am a lot more appreciative to the beauties of life. Such as I was driving down a busy road I drive multiple times a day and in the mists of the dirt and grime of the road I noticed a little bunch of sunflowers by the curb. It was beautiful. In the busy crazyness of today Heavenly Father is still there saying "Hello World. Be comforted, I am here." All it takes is for you to notice Him. I saw them and knew I am in the right direction.
I am not as scared of life. I know that if Heavenly Father wanted me, he would have me up in heaven. I know without a doubt there was a struggle for which path I should take that night. And for some reason I am here still. I honestly believe that a big part of this is nursing. I have never felt a bigger calling. I know that this is somewhere I need to be. I was given an opportunity to understand my patients at a much greater level that I ever would have otherwise. I love that I am able to take that experience with me to hopefully make my patients lives that much better in whatever their condition happens to be, be it a sick child, a mother in labor, or a dying Grandfather.
Don't get me wrong, I still have scars that emerge now and again. Such as watching One Tree Hill of all things. We watched that show every day for the week and a half Chris was home after Ava was born. The day after I got back from the hospital we happened to watch an episode where one of the guy's mom is in the hospital and rushed all over and dies and at the same time someone is having a baby. That was the first time I think I actually cried over it. It was my first trigger. I remember sitting on the couch curled up next to my husband and just sobbing uncontrollably. And he just held me. Chris' sisters have been watching it again and every time I go to their house and see that that is on I just remember freaking out. But the difference between the me now compared to 6 months ago, I don't dwell on it. I accept the thought and feelings and try to go on. Before I would think of that moments and then jump back to reliving my own hospital extravaganza, that would in turn trigger another flashback, and so forth.
So there is hope. With Faith all things are possible.
Friday, March 29, 2013
catch up
The end of February was pretty bad for me overall in general. Some things were going on at home with various family members and situations. My bad dreams came back. I was pretty down to say the least.
But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere a switch turned up and I have been feeling pretty good. And by pretty good, I mean dancing like a mad man in the car by myself...all the time. I have had a lot more patience with my toddler. I have actually played with my toddler. It wasn't until this sudden burst of goodness that I realized how low I have been lately. I feel like I can breath now. I am able to live.
Last week, I was in clinicals watching a procedure, and all of a sudden I wasn't feeling good and passed out in the doorway. I woke up two my nurse and the patients interpreter looking down at me. Can I just say, I really hate that moment of coming back to reality and not really know what happened and why you are there. It reminded me of waking up after the OR. That was a rough time. I couldn't move because of all my new IVs and blood pumping in me. I couldn't talk because of my oxygen mask, nor could I take it off because I couldn't move my arms! I was trapped and so very confused. I could hear my family, but couldn't see them. All I was able to see was the clock on my right. I will always be haunted by the realization that I forgot I had a baby. Zoey was there and someone mentioned "sister." I had just given birth to this beautiful baby, and I forgot. And when I remembered, I wanted nothing to do with her. I was angry. I was angry that Zoey and Ava met while I was trying to stay alive. I was angry that I could forget. I was hurt that I missed it. I had looked forward to seeing them together for the first time since before I was pregnant. And I missed it. I know it wasn't done to hurt me. I know it just happened. But its still guilt I am going to have for a very long time. It still makes me cry.
In class the other day we were learning about mental illness, and obviously PTSD was going to come up. I was struggling on if I should share my story or not. The whole day I found myself needing to do my deep breathing to stay focused and keep present. Naturally, when we finally got to it, my teacher asked if anyone knew anyone who has experienced it. So she left me no choice. I kind of shared my story. But I don't think I did it justice. I started to get really panicky--racing pulse, sweaty, couldn't catch my breath. So I didn't really say what I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone that it can happen to anyone. I wanted to say that I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was stressing over my stupid uterus too much and I should just get over it. Why couldn't I just get over it??? I wanted to so bad. But, I wasn't crazy. There was a real lagit reason. The months before I realized what was going on was horrible. I was a ticking time bomb. I am so glad those days are over. I'm so glad that I can see the signs before it happens. I am able to stop my flashbacks before they take over. I love having my mind belong to me, and not belong to that day.
On a side note... as I was walking through the hospital before clinicals there were 3 pregnant women. And every one I thought I want to be pregnant. WHA?!?! Where did that come from. It kind of surprised me a bit. But then I got thinking, it really shouldn't surprise me. I wanted another baby right around this time with Zoey too. But I guess that means that this hasn't destroyed THAT part of me too. Oh, the baby bug. I'm not ready to deal with you for another 4 years.
But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere a switch turned up and I have been feeling pretty good. And by pretty good, I mean dancing like a mad man in the car by myself...all the time. I have had a lot more patience with my toddler. I have actually played with my toddler. It wasn't until this sudden burst of goodness that I realized how low I have been lately. I feel like I can breath now. I am able to live.
Last week, I was in clinicals watching a procedure, and all of a sudden I wasn't feeling good and passed out in the doorway. I woke up two my nurse and the patients interpreter looking down at me. Can I just say, I really hate that moment of coming back to reality and not really know what happened and why you are there. It reminded me of waking up after the OR. That was a rough time. I couldn't move because of all my new IVs and blood pumping in me. I couldn't talk because of my oxygen mask, nor could I take it off because I couldn't move my arms! I was trapped and so very confused. I could hear my family, but couldn't see them. All I was able to see was the clock on my right. I will always be haunted by the realization that I forgot I had a baby. Zoey was there and someone mentioned "sister." I had just given birth to this beautiful baby, and I forgot. And when I remembered, I wanted nothing to do with her. I was angry. I was angry that Zoey and Ava met while I was trying to stay alive. I was angry that I could forget. I was hurt that I missed it. I had looked forward to seeing them together for the first time since before I was pregnant. And I missed it. I know it wasn't done to hurt me. I know it just happened. But its still guilt I am going to have for a very long time. It still makes me cry.
In class the other day we were learning about mental illness, and obviously PTSD was going to come up. I was struggling on if I should share my story or not. The whole day I found myself needing to do my deep breathing to stay focused and keep present. Naturally, when we finally got to it, my teacher asked if anyone knew anyone who has experienced it. So she left me no choice. I kind of shared my story. But I don't think I did it justice. I started to get really panicky--racing pulse, sweaty, couldn't catch my breath. So I didn't really say what I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone that it can happen to anyone. I wanted to say that I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was stressing over my stupid uterus too much and I should just get over it. Why couldn't I just get over it??? I wanted to so bad. But, I wasn't crazy. There was a real lagit reason. The months before I realized what was going on was horrible. I was a ticking time bomb. I am so glad those days are over. I'm so glad that I can see the signs before it happens. I am able to stop my flashbacks before they take over. I love having my mind belong to me, and not belong to that day.
On a side note... as I was walking through the hospital before clinicals there were 3 pregnant women. And every one I thought I want to be pregnant. WHA?!?! Where did that come from. It kind of surprised me a bit. But then I got thinking, it really shouldn't surprise me. I wanted another baby right around this time with Zoey too. But I guess that means that this hasn't destroyed THAT part of me too. Oh, the baby bug. I'm not ready to deal with you for another 4 years.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
so the other day at clinicals i told my story to my instructor and the other six or so people who were in the room. and you know what?? i did so without crying or panicing at all. i did skip a few details but it was basically the who le thing. it is liberating to be able to look back and not freak out. there is hope. i can do it. i can live without being a product of circumstances.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
7 months
So sweet Ava is 7 months. Time heals. There is still not a day where I don't think about what happened when she was born. But every day it is better. I still don't really trust my body or my mind for that matter. It failed me. I have a feeling that these feelings will be with me for a while. But the horror is gone for the most part. So there is hope.
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