why

I have had two pretty awful, near-death experiences during what should have been the best moments of my life. I got to be wheeled away from my family as I am bleeding out, watching my husband hold my new precious baby and wonder if he will be able to be a single dad. Wonder if my mom would loose her only child. I have had to live through those moments not once, but twice. And relive them more than I would want. And they hurt so bad. My two youngest daughters births are forever tainted in my memory as days I lost who I was, rather than happiness of gaining a new child. I have struggled with these two days every day since they happened. I have a hard time hearing of birth announcements. I have to walk away when people talk about their pregnancy or birth. It hurts me too much. I hate that this pain is mine. But, behind my grief of my fertility is a fighter. A fighter that knows that there is someone who has not found their voice like I have and is just waiting to hear my story. Someone is hurting just like me. But unlike me, they are alone. I have been alone in these thoughts, and it is pure torture. I am dedicated to finding you. You--who don't feel like they can voice their true thoughts on motherhood. You--who lost more than you gained during birth. You--who feels alone.