Wednesday, July 12, 2017
why
I have had two pretty awful, near-death experiences during what should have been the best moments of my life. I got to be wheeled away from my family as I am bleeding out, watching my husband hold my new precious baby and wonder if he will be able to be a single dad. Wonder if my mom would loose her only child. I have had to live through those moments not once, but twice. And relive them more than I would want. And they hurt so bad. My two youngest daughters births are forever tainted in my memory as days I lost who I was, rather than happiness of gaining a new child. I have struggled with these two days every day since they happened. I have a hard time hearing of birth announcements. I have to walk away when people talk about their pregnancy or birth. It hurts me too much. I hate that this pain is mine. But, behind my grief of my fertility is a fighter. A fighter that knows that there is someone who has not found their voice like I have and is just waiting to hear my story. Someone is hurting just like me. But unlike me, they are alone. I have been alone in these thoughts, and it is pure torture. I am dedicated to finding you. You--who don't feel like they can voice their true thoughts on motherhood. You--who lost more than you gained during birth. You--who feels alone.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
5 years
I feel like writing. I think I get rather inward when I get closer to birthdays. One, they mean my kids are getting bigger and no mom truly loves that thought. And second, they signify a big change in who I was vs who I am now.
The early hours of July 19th was the worst day of my life. The worst. There is no going around it. Nothing can take that fear of thinking you are going to die. Like honest to goodness thinking you aren't going to see your family again, or be able to see your new baby grow. But here I am. Living.
The more I learn about medicine, the more I question what happened to me. Were the right calls really made? They obviously worked. But was it best practice. Did the doctor learn anything from my case? Has it happened in the 5 years since? Why was a mass transfusion protocol not followed. I lost 5L of blood, the hospital I work at now has a policy that anything over 3 transfusions in an emergent situation requires other blood products. Did I get other blood products and them not tell me? Or did the hospital not have a similar policy so they just gave me my red blood cells? ...and why does that matter to me so much and make me mad? Am I strong enough to actually read my medical notes in the entirety? A lot are missing, but I have yet to read the nurse notes. I know that's where I am going to find the answers to a lot of my questions.
Why does even just thinking about this day give me that pressure in my chest and tears in my eyes.
It was almost 5 years ago! 5. that's a long time. Enough time for one to get over it. But I'm not. It still haunts me. The shadows are still there. And they suck.
But, I got a beautiful daughter. Heavenly Father knew that I needed her sweet spirit in my life when he sent her. She is so kind, caring, funny. She reminds me of me more than any of the other girls. She is a ray of sunshine.
The early hours of July 19th was the worst day of my life. The worst. There is no going around it. Nothing can take that fear of thinking you are going to die. Like honest to goodness thinking you aren't going to see your family again, or be able to see your new baby grow. But here I am. Living.
The more I learn about medicine, the more I question what happened to me. Were the right calls really made? They obviously worked. But was it best practice. Did the doctor learn anything from my case? Has it happened in the 5 years since? Why was a mass transfusion protocol not followed. I lost 5L of blood, the hospital I work at now has a policy that anything over 3 transfusions in an emergent situation requires other blood products. Did I get other blood products and them not tell me? Or did the hospital not have a similar policy so they just gave me my red blood cells? ...and why does that matter to me so much and make me mad? Am I strong enough to actually read my medical notes in the entirety? A lot are missing, but I have yet to read the nurse notes. I know that's where I am going to find the answers to a lot of my questions.
Why does even just thinking about this day give me that pressure in my chest and tears in my eyes.
It was almost 5 years ago! 5. that's a long time. Enough time for one to get over it. But I'm not. It still haunts me. The shadows are still there. And they suck.
But, I got a beautiful daughter. Heavenly Father knew that I needed her sweet spirit in my life when he sent her. She is so kind, caring, funny. She reminds me of me more than any of the other girls. She is a ray of sunshine.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
a letter of shadows
To those who think I am put together.
Let me tell you, put together is not one of the phrases I would commonly use to describe me. But I am so grateful that you see me as such. I really am.
But lets talk for a minute.
I didn't brush my teeth today. I forgot. I was in such a hurry to get out the door and do what needed to be done, I just forgot. Part of that is because I keep my toothbrush in the other bathroom because the one I get ready in is still in shambles from when we moved....almost a year ago. I have yet to put it all together. And so I do my hair and make up in one room and brush my teeth in another. I wish I could say this was the first time. But its not. Thank heavens for gum!!!
I also didn't change my babies diaper this morning. I got her dressed and made the conscious decision to keep her in her overnight diaper. It didn't feel that full and I frankly just didn't feel like fighting with her. She is a fighter. I was not in the mood to play. So I waited until I had to leave the house....which also could have played a part in the not brushing my teeth. Because I was too occupied running around the living room chasing a half naked toddler.
I have body issues. When I was in high school I had an eating disorder. Not diagnosed. Although, had I been open about what was going on it should have been. I didn't eat. I blamed it on being sick, which I was. But it didn't need to be as bad as it was. Looking in the mirror and seeing your ribs and still thinking you aren't good enough is not a good thing. Those thoughts still creep in every once in a while, especially now that I have to force myself to eat since I am never hungry. The difference now is that I no longer see myself as fat. So that's good.
Now, I hate my body for other reasons. It failed me during birth of not one, but two babies. It tried to kill me. It created the environment where I was given the choice of life or babies. I obviously chose life, but the price I paid sometimes feels like too much. Quinn wasn't supposed to be my last. I have a scar that reminds me of sadness, nothing else, just sadness. I hate it. I hate that my uterus was taken away. I cry daily. Sometimes little tears, sometimes I'm bawling in the shower. But I cry.
I have had to search for my identity. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a nurse. But who am I. Am I enough? My insecurities can sometimes be too much to handle. So I stuff them away to process later. I feel like I am failing my children. Multiple times a day.
I don't know what to wear. Ever. I want to be stylish and cute. But I often times just revert to the same 3 tshirts because it will blend in.
I am plagued with who knows how many mental health issues. I have only been diagnosed with PTSD and depression. But now that I research more, I am pretty sure anxiety and OCD should be on the top of the list. I have horrible intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that are scary. Thoughts of me drowning the bath, or driving off an overpass. I would never do those things. But the thoughts still pop up. I never use the first stall in a public bathroom because that is where someone would go if the have to throw up. I have a horrible fear of others vomiting on me. It almost stopped me from being a nurse. And it is the one thing that makes me want to quit my job in the ER. But I just suck it up and try and pray I won't run out of the room and out of the building like I have done before. I question if I said the right thing, if I didn't say enough, if people think I am good enough. Self doubt is big in my brain.
So while you see this person, who looks put together and has everything figured out. Rest assured. I am just as messed up as everyone else in this world. Society makes everyone look like they know what they are doing. But really, everyone has flaws. Everyone has their shadows. These are just a few of mine.
But rest assured, I love that you think that. I guess I must be doing something right, right?
Alicia
Let me tell you, put together is not one of the phrases I would commonly use to describe me. But I am so grateful that you see me as such. I really am.
But lets talk for a minute.
I didn't brush my teeth today. I forgot. I was in such a hurry to get out the door and do what needed to be done, I just forgot. Part of that is because I keep my toothbrush in the other bathroom because the one I get ready in is still in shambles from when we moved....almost a year ago. I have yet to put it all together. And so I do my hair and make up in one room and brush my teeth in another. I wish I could say this was the first time. But its not. Thank heavens for gum!!!
I also didn't change my babies diaper this morning. I got her dressed and made the conscious decision to keep her in her overnight diaper. It didn't feel that full and I frankly just didn't feel like fighting with her. She is a fighter. I was not in the mood to play. So I waited until I had to leave the house....which also could have played a part in the not brushing my teeth. Because I was too occupied running around the living room chasing a half naked toddler.
I have body issues. When I was in high school I had an eating disorder. Not diagnosed. Although, had I been open about what was going on it should have been. I didn't eat. I blamed it on being sick, which I was. But it didn't need to be as bad as it was. Looking in the mirror and seeing your ribs and still thinking you aren't good enough is not a good thing. Those thoughts still creep in every once in a while, especially now that I have to force myself to eat since I am never hungry. The difference now is that I no longer see myself as fat. So that's good.
Now, I hate my body for other reasons. It failed me during birth of not one, but two babies. It tried to kill me. It created the environment where I was given the choice of life or babies. I obviously chose life, but the price I paid sometimes feels like too much. Quinn wasn't supposed to be my last. I have a scar that reminds me of sadness, nothing else, just sadness. I hate it. I hate that my uterus was taken away. I cry daily. Sometimes little tears, sometimes I'm bawling in the shower. But I cry.
I have had to search for my identity. I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a nurse. But who am I. Am I enough? My insecurities can sometimes be too much to handle. So I stuff them away to process later. I feel like I am failing my children. Multiple times a day.
I don't know what to wear. Ever. I want to be stylish and cute. But I often times just revert to the same 3 tshirts because it will blend in.
I am plagued with who knows how many mental health issues. I have only been diagnosed with PTSD and depression. But now that I research more, I am pretty sure anxiety and OCD should be on the top of the list. I have horrible intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that are scary. Thoughts of me drowning the bath, or driving off an overpass. I would never do those things. But the thoughts still pop up. I never use the first stall in a public bathroom because that is where someone would go if the have to throw up. I have a horrible fear of others vomiting on me. It almost stopped me from being a nurse. And it is the one thing that makes me want to quit my job in the ER. But I just suck it up and try and pray I won't run out of the room and out of the building like I have done before. I question if I said the right thing, if I didn't say enough, if people think I am good enough. Self doubt is big in my brain.
So while you see this person, who looks put together and has everything figured out. Rest assured. I am just as messed up as everyone else in this world. Society makes everyone look like they know what they are doing. But really, everyone has flaws. Everyone has their shadows. These are just a few of mine.
But rest assured, I love that you think that. I guess I must be doing something right, right?
Alicia
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