Due to the circumstances surrounding Ava's birth it took me a while to get that mother daughter bond. I was fighting the physical aspect of child birth and so much blood loss, along with my undiagnosed maternal mental illness, and the stress of starting nursing school. I knew I loved her, but didn't have that out of your body attachment I felt with my firstborn. I would look at her and wonder if she would notice the love I had for her big sister was different than what I felt for her. I wondered if she would resent me. I wondered a lot of things while I passed her off to someone else's arms who wanted to hold her.
Day by day things got better. Days grew into weeks, and weeks turned into years and my love grew with each passing moment. Now, a few months shy of 3 years, I am head over heels in love with her. She is so much like me its not even funny, which I know isn't a coincidence. I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to love them differently. They are different people who require different love, but that doesn't make one inferior to the other. It is just different, but that's ok.
But the best part of all of this is knowing how much she loves me. Tonight I heard someone coughing so I went to investigate. As soon as my light shined on her face she opened her eyes and gave me the biggest smile and said "kiss?" And of course that is exactly what happened.
And it was exactly what we both needed.
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2015
Thursday, November 21, 2013
restored
you know, life is strange sometimes.
I don't really talk about this very much. It is a pretty sacred part of my soul. But I feel like I need to share a little. I have had to cope with life after nearly dying. Often times I have had to question why I was saved. Why did I choose to stay here? Why didn't I take the road with less pain? The road of comfort and happiness? You would think that with those options I would have done something different. Anyone would, you would think?? Especially in the place and pain I was at. But for some unknown reason it wasn't my time. But it could have been. I believe when I was in my white tunnel (yes, I saw a white tunnel. I know.) that I had the choice and I chose here. I was searching for which way to go. And I followed my daughters voice.
So I have come to the conclusion that I am here to be her and Ava's mother. And not just their mom, but someone who teaches them. Who helps show right from wrong. I need to lead by example. Lately I haven't done so hot. I have been more focused on me and my problems. I realized today that I need to spend more time living life, instead of waisting it away wallowing away in self pity self absorbed on my phone.
I had the opportunity to be involved in something truly amazing today. My friend in school is pretty sick. Not cancer sick, but close. I entered her story to win a free cake back in the beginning of October. Well she won and it snowballed into this crazy thing I would never have imagined. Between the cake lady and my class we were able to get over $1000 in donated things. Gift cards up the wazoo like family pictures, hair and nails, gas card, food, movies, essential oils, scentsy among other things. This basket was huge!!!! Not to mention the cake was downright awesome. It felt good to help someone. For the first time in a long time I wasn't sitting in my little pity party. I was actually excited for something! And that hasn't really happened for a while. It was great.
It really got me thinking, my near death experience is behind me. I have experienced something that not very many people have. (which is a good thing, obviously) But I can use that and take it with me in my future endeavors. There are people who are looking death straight in the eyes. I know that feeling. Mine might have been minutes compared to months, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know what if feels like. I understand. And I hope that just for a moment that that burden is lifted for my friend.
Maybe I need to go into hospice.
I don't really talk about this very much. It is a pretty sacred part of my soul. But I feel like I need to share a little. I have had to cope with life after nearly dying. Often times I have had to question why I was saved. Why did I choose to stay here? Why didn't I take the road with less pain? The road of comfort and happiness? You would think that with those options I would have done something different. Anyone would, you would think?? Especially in the place and pain I was at. But for some unknown reason it wasn't my time. But it could have been. I believe when I was in my white tunnel (yes, I saw a white tunnel. I know.) that I had the choice and I chose here. I was searching for which way to go. And I followed my daughters voice.
So I have come to the conclusion that I am here to be her and Ava's mother. And not just their mom, but someone who teaches them. Who helps show right from wrong. I need to lead by example. Lately I haven't done so hot. I have been more focused on me and my problems. I realized today that I need to spend more time living life, instead of waisting it away wallowing away in self pity self absorbed on my phone.
I had the opportunity to be involved in something truly amazing today. My friend in school is pretty sick. Not cancer sick, but close. I entered her story to win a free cake back in the beginning of October. Well she won and it snowballed into this crazy thing I would never have imagined. Between the cake lady and my class we were able to get over $1000 in donated things. Gift cards up the wazoo like family pictures, hair and nails, gas card, food, movies, essential oils, scentsy among other things. This basket was huge!!!! Not to mention the cake was downright awesome. It felt good to help someone. For the first time in a long time I wasn't sitting in my little pity party. I was actually excited for something! And that hasn't really happened for a while. It was great.
It really got me thinking, my near death experience is behind me. I have experienced something that not very many people have. (which is a good thing, obviously) But I can use that and take it with me in my future endeavors. There are people who are looking death straight in the eyes. I know that feeling. Mine might have been minutes compared to months, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know what if feels like. I understand. And I hope that just for a moment that that burden is lifted for my friend.
Maybe I need to go into hospice.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
my journey of growth. This is How We Grow Blog Hop, 2013
(If you are joining me for the first time, please refer to the page on top titled "The Story" to get the details of my own birth experience.)
So a few months back I had a conversation with my teacher at school. I asked if I can precept at the hospital and Labor and Delivery unit I almost died in. I needed to do this. I needed to make sure that L&D is where I need to be. But most importantly I needed to know that I can do it--that I can see someone in pain from contractions, I can see my doctor deliver a baby. I needed to know that that I can be strong enough to not only witness all that but be able to keep my cool and nurse on. In my heart I knew L&D is where I am supposed to be, but could my mind handle it too?
That week before it was rough. I was panicy, grumpy, sad, and everything in between. I cried the whole drive to the hospital the first day. I didn't look down the hallway to my room when I got off the elevator. I couldn't do it. I was a wreck but I went in and I did it. The day was great. I loved labor nursing. The second day, my nurse gave me a tour of the unit which included the OR. For some reason that caught me off guard. Luckily, that was at the end of the tour and there was a bathroom right there that I excused myself to to cry and scream. But other than that it was ok. I witnessed a postpartum hemorrhage, that made me go and cry. ...rather hysterically really. And call my teacher and say I can't do it anymore. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said no.
But you know what? Now 135 hours later walking the same hall way I was rushed through that night, I have courage. I have strength. I came out of this experience learning several things. 1-I am not ready to take on the roll of a Labor nurse YET. But I know in my heart I will be. It might not be in a month, or in a year. But I know that is my place in this world. That is exactly what I was looking for in this journey. 2- I know there is an important part of pregnancy and labor that is ignored. And that is the mental well being of the mother. I had mothers besides themselves because their last was an emergency, or they lost a child or what have you. There needs to be more for moms like us. We need someone to come in the room with the knowledge that this person has previously had a hardship and to make sure that they are comfortable being in that bed with the monitors on. They need to know that just because their last one might have been bad, does not mean that this one will be. They need to know that someone cares. They get asked about previous pregnancies and labors all the time. Its not fair that it gets brought up like that to remind them what they have gone through and not have any extra support. I know when the time comes and I am in labor I will be nervous. And I also know that my support people wont know what to do. But someone with knowledge on relaxation, information, ect will do tremendous things. Just knowing that someone is there like that will help to not feel so alone.
I have grown so much as a person and as a nurse. I know where I need to be and I know what needs to be done. I just now need to know where to go from here. All I can say, is I am so fortunate that I have been able to experience this. I didn't have to put myself through that. I could have chosen a billion other places to go. I didn't even need to spend my time with Labor and Delivery. But I knew deep down that that was where I should be, and I'm so glad I was strong enough to be that vulnerable . Someone has a plan for me, and I fear that it is bigger than I am. But it will be worth it.
I am happy.
I am posting this to the This is How I Grow Blog Hop. feel free to go there and read other inspirational blogs. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/invitation-join-this-is-how-we-grow-blog-hop/
So a few months back I had a conversation with my teacher at school. I asked if I can precept at the hospital and Labor and Delivery unit I almost died in. I needed to do this. I needed to make sure that L&D is where I need to be. But most importantly I needed to know that I can do it--that I can see someone in pain from contractions, I can see my doctor deliver a baby. I needed to know that that I can be strong enough to not only witness all that but be able to keep my cool and nurse on. In my heart I knew L&D is where I am supposed to be, but could my mind handle it too?
That week before it was rough. I was panicy, grumpy, sad, and everything in between. I cried the whole drive to the hospital the first day. I didn't look down the hallway to my room when I got off the elevator. I couldn't do it. I was a wreck but I went in and I did it. The day was great. I loved labor nursing. The second day, my nurse gave me a tour of the unit which included the OR. For some reason that caught me off guard. Luckily, that was at the end of the tour and there was a bathroom right there that I excused myself to to cry and scream. But other than that it was ok. I witnessed a postpartum hemorrhage, that made me go and cry. ...rather hysterically really. And call my teacher and say I can't do it anymore. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said no.
But you know what? Now 135 hours later walking the same hall way I was rushed through that night, I have courage. I have strength. I came out of this experience learning several things. 1-I am not ready to take on the roll of a Labor nurse YET. But I know in my heart I will be. It might not be in a month, or in a year. But I know that is my place in this world. That is exactly what I was looking for in this journey. 2- I know there is an important part of pregnancy and labor that is ignored. And that is the mental well being of the mother. I had mothers besides themselves because their last was an emergency, or they lost a child or what have you. There needs to be more for moms like us. We need someone to come in the room with the knowledge that this person has previously had a hardship and to make sure that they are comfortable being in that bed with the monitors on. They need to know that just because their last one might have been bad, does not mean that this one will be. They need to know that someone cares. They get asked about previous pregnancies and labors all the time. Its not fair that it gets brought up like that to remind them what they have gone through and not have any extra support. I know when the time comes and I am in labor I will be nervous. And I also know that my support people wont know what to do. But someone with knowledge on relaxation, information, ect will do tremendous things. Just knowing that someone is there like that will help to not feel so alone.
I have grown so much as a person and as a nurse. I know where I need to be and I know what needs to be done. I just now need to know where to go from here. All I can say, is I am so fortunate that I have been able to experience this. I didn't have to put myself through that. I could have chosen a billion other places to go. I didn't even need to spend my time with Labor and Delivery. But I knew deep down that that was where I should be, and I'm so glad I was strong enough to be that vulnerable . Someone has a plan for me, and I fear that it is bigger than I am. But it will be worth it.
I am happy.
I am posting this to the This is How I Grow Blog Hop. feel free to go there and read other inspirational blogs. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/invitation-join-this-is-how-we-grow-blog-hop/
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