restored

you know, life is strange sometimes.

I don't really talk about this very much. It is a pretty sacred part of my soul. But I feel like I need to share a little. I have had to cope with life after nearly dying. Often times I have had to question why I was saved. Why did I choose to stay here? Why didn't I take the road with less pain? The road of comfort and happiness? You would think that with those options I would have done something different. Anyone would, you would think?? Especially in the place and pain I was at. But for some unknown reason it wasn't my time. But it could have been. I believe when I was in my white tunnel (yes, I saw a white tunnel. I know.) that I had the choice and I chose here. I was searching for which way to go. And I followed my daughters voice.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am here to be her and Ava's mother. And not just their mom, but someone who teaches them. Who helps show right from wrong. I need to lead by example. Lately I haven't done so hot. I have been more focused on me and my problems. I realized today that I need to spend more time living life, instead of waisting it away wallowing away in self pity self absorbed on my phone.

I had the opportunity to be involved in something truly amazing today. My friend in school is pretty sick. Not cancer sick, but close. I entered her story to win a free cake back in the beginning of October. Well she won and it snowballed into this crazy thing I would never have imagined. Between the cake lady and my class we were able to get over $1000 in donated things. Gift cards up the wazoo like family pictures, hair and nails, gas card, food, movies, essential oils, scentsy among other things. This basket was huge!!!! Not to mention the cake was downright awesome. It felt good to help someone. For the first time in a long time I wasn't sitting in my little pity party. I was actually excited for something! And that hasn't really happened for a while. It was great.

It really got me thinking, my near death experience is behind me. I have experienced something that not very many people have. (which is a good thing, obviously) But I can use that and take it with me in my future endeavors. There are people who are looking death straight in the eyes. I know that feeling. Mine might have been minutes compared to months, and for that I'm grateful. But I do know what if feels like. I understand. And I hope that just for a moment that that burden is lifted for my friend.

Maybe I need to go into hospice.