(If you are joining me for the first time, please refer to the page on top titled "The Story" to get the details of my own birth experience.)
So a few months back I had a conversation with my teacher at school. I asked if I can precept at the hospital and Labor and Delivery unit I almost died in. I needed to do this. I needed to make sure that L&D is where I need to be. But most importantly I needed to know that I can do it--that I can see someone in pain from contractions, I can see my doctor deliver a baby. I needed to know that that I can be strong enough to not only witness all that but be able to keep my cool and nurse on. In my heart I knew L&D is where I am supposed to be, but could my mind handle it too?
That week before it was rough. I was panicy, grumpy, sad, and everything in between. I cried the whole drive to the hospital the first day. I didn't look down the hallway to my room when I got off the elevator. I couldn't do it. I was a wreck but I went in and I did it. The day was great. I loved labor nursing. The second day, my nurse gave me a tour of the unit which included the OR. For some reason that caught me off guard. Luckily, that was at the end of the tour and there was a bathroom right there that I excused myself to to cry and scream. But other than that it was ok. I witnessed a postpartum hemorrhage, that made me go and cry. ...rather hysterically really. And call my teacher and say I can't do it anymore. She asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said no.
But you know what? Now 135 hours later walking the same hall way I was rushed through that night, I have courage. I have strength. I came out of this experience learning several things. 1-I am not ready to take on the roll of a Labor nurse YET. But I know in my heart I will be. It might not be in a month, or in a year. But I know that is my place in this world. That is exactly what I was looking for in this journey. 2- I know there is an important part of pregnancy and labor that is ignored. And that is the mental well being of the mother. I had mothers besides themselves because their last was an emergency, or they lost a child or what have you. There needs to be more for moms like us. We need someone to come in the room with the knowledge that this person has previously had a hardship and to make sure that they are comfortable being in that bed with the monitors on. They need to know that just because their last one might have been bad, does not mean that this one will be. They need to know that someone cares. They get asked about previous pregnancies and labors all the time. Its not fair that it gets brought up like that to remind them what they have gone through and not have any extra support. I know when the time comes and I am in labor I will be nervous. And I also know that my support people wont know what to do. But someone with knowledge on relaxation, information, ect will do tremendous things. Just knowing that someone is there like that will help to not feel so alone.
I have grown so much as a person and as a nurse. I know where I need to be and I know what needs to be done. I just now need to know where to go from here. All I can say, is I am so fortunate that I have been able to experience this. I didn't have to put myself through that. I could have chosen a billion other places to go. I didn't even need to spend my time with Labor and Delivery. But I knew deep down that that was where I should be, and I'm so glad I was strong enough to be that vulnerable . Someone has a plan for me, and I fear that it is bigger than I am. But it will be worth it.
I am happy.
I am posting this to the This is How I Grow Blog Hop. feel free to go there and read other inspirational blogs. http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/invitation-join-this-is-how-we-grow-blog-hop/
No comments:
Post a Comment