Due to the circumstances surrounding Ava's birth it took me a while to get that mother daughter bond. I was fighting the physical aspect of child birth and so much blood loss, along with my undiagnosed maternal mental illness, and the stress of starting nursing school. I knew I loved her, but didn't have that out of your body attachment I felt with my firstborn. I would look at her and wonder if she would notice the love I had for her big sister was different than what I felt for her. I wondered if she would resent me. I wondered a lot of things while I passed her off to someone else's arms who wanted to hold her.
Day by day things got better. Days grew into weeks, and weeks turned into years and my love grew with each passing moment. Now, a few months shy of 3 years, I am head over heels in love with her. She is so much like me its not even funny, which I know isn't a coincidence. I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to love them differently. They are different people who require different love, but that doesn't make one inferior to the other. It is just different, but that's ok.
But the best part of all of this is knowing how much she loves me. Tonight I heard someone coughing so I went to investigate. As soon as my light shined on her face she opened her eyes and gave me the biggest smile and said "kiss?" And of course that is exactly what happened.
And it was exactly what we both needed.
Showing posts with label Mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mental illness. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2015
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
In the open
It's 3:45am. Both children have woken me up tonight, right after the other. And, thus, I'm wide awake. In light of the passing of Robin Williams I feel like I must say something while mental health is the buzz right now.
*if you are in a sensitive spot right now, perhaps this isn't the best thing to read. Take care of yourself. Know I care for you.*
I don't understand why it takes a tragedy such as this for people to be comfortable talking about depression, suicide, and mental health in general. I have heard many people saying how can someone so funny, someone with so much money, someone with such great things can be so sad about life to take his life. Well that's the thing about depression, it ravishes it's victims no matter who you are and what you "should" be feeling. It's not something you can just turn on or off, because if it was I'm sure everyone would have it on the off switch. Ain't nobody got time for that.
But I digress on what I wanted to say. We need to be open about mental illness. It can't be something we only talk about when someone does something newsworthy. People fight it every day. And that is a triumph worth mentioning. Perhaps if, as a society, we were more open about it people wouldn't suffer alone and take the same path as Robin. Perhaps, one more person would seek help because they weren't afraid. Perhaps, one more person would choose life. Choose hope. Hope that today-this moment- might truly suck, but tomorrow will be better. Because it does get better. I know living with a brain you don't feel like you have any control of is an awful thing. But, I also know that saying I used to be in a dark place, but now there is a glimmer of light in the future is one of the best feelings. Then that glimmer gets brighter and brighter. And it will, I guarantee it. It might not today, or tomorrow, but it will. That's the hope you must hold onto.
And so what can we do? Talk. Talk. Talk. Let people know you care about them. Don't be afraid to say depression, suicide, bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, OCD, addiction, schizophrenia. The more you are willing to talk about it, the more the next person will be. Call up someone who has been having a hard time and let them know you care. You might not understand what they are going through, but you do understand the importance of having someone on their side. If you currently struggle, talk to your doctor. There are lots of help available to you if you ask. You will have a harder time feeling better without any help. And hopefully by doing this we all can make someone's journey lighter.
*if you are in a sensitive spot right now, perhaps this isn't the best thing to read. Take care of yourself. Know I care for you.*
I don't understand why it takes a tragedy such as this for people to be comfortable talking about depression, suicide, and mental health in general. I have heard many people saying how can someone so funny, someone with so much money, someone with such great things can be so sad about life to take his life. Well that's the thing about depression, it ravishes it's victims no matter who you are and what you "should" be feeling. It's not something you can just turn on or off, because if it was I'm sure everyone would have it on the off switch. Ain't nobody got time for that.
But I digress on what I wanted to say. We need to be open about mental illness. It can't be something we only talk about when someone does something newsworthy. People fight it every day. And that is a triumph worth mentioning. Perhaps if, as a society, we were more open about it people wouldn't suffer alone and take the same path as Robin. Perhaps, one more person would seek help because they weren't afraid. Perhaps, one more person would choose life. Choose hope. Hope that today-this moment- might truly suck, but tomorrow will be better. Because it does get better. I know living with a brain you don't feel like you have any control of is an awful thing. But, I also know that saying I used to be in a dark place, but now there is a glimmer of light in the future is one of the best feelings. Then that glimmer gets brighter and brighter. And it will, I guarantee it. It might not today, or tomorrow, but it will. That's the hope you must hold onto.
And so what can we do? Talk. Talk. Talk. Let people know you care about them. Don't be afraid to say depression, suicide, bipolar, PTSD, anxiety, OCD, addiction, schizophrenia. The more you are willing to talk about it, the more the next person will be. Call up someone who has been having a hard time and let them know you care. You might not understand what they are going through, but you do understand the importance of having someone on their side. If you currently struggle, talk to your doctor. There are lots of help available to you if you ask. You will have a harder time feeling better without any help. And hopefully by doing this we all can make someone's journey lighter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)