1 year

** I wrote this for my personal blog July 20 2013. I decided it should be on this blog too as it is very much part of my journey of postpartum PTSD.***

I have tried to write this blog for a while, but it never came out right. Maybe tonight it will.

Today I just finished my RN1 semester. It is hard to believe that a year ago at his time I was at my deepest low. And that's saying something... A year ago at this time I had a 1 week old baby. I felt ugly. Not only did I have normal new mommy self image problems, I was ridiculously puffy still from my body going through shock. I had thought pregnancy was bad.... wrong. I was so weak at this point that I still was afraid to carry Ava upstairs by myself. I was so blessed that Chris decided to take the week off after the baby was born. I honestly don't know how I could have done it alone. I had a hard time even looking at Ava without busting out in tears. I had so many emotions. Regret. Sadness. Hatred. Most of my time was spent downstairs sleeping or silently crying. That was me. A mess, right?

Somehow, I miraculously got everything ready for nursing school. I had to have my dad come over to carry all my books upstairs, but we made it through. We then miraculously moved my now family of 4 out of our HOME and into my dads so I didn't have to worry about working while in school. There were a lot of sudden changes in our lives in such a short time.

Then, when Ava was only 5 weeks old I started on this journey called Nursing School. I was told I was to have clinicals in Labor and Delivery that semester...REALLY?!? Can't a girl catch a break? We learned all about pregnancy, labor, and childhood. It was a struggle to sit through class sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. More than one occasion I had to leave. It was too much hearing about what "should" happen. What should have happened to me!!! The day we talked about delivery was my turning point. We watched a movie about the "miracle of birth." blah blah blah. I could sit through the pregnancy park ok. The labor part was fine, even the delivery. But when the movie said "the mother now delivers the placenta" while showing a happy family with a newborn, I had had it. It is such an overlooked part of pregnancy that they didn't even show anything and merely mentioned it as the mother was cooing over her baby. I snapped. I ran outside and just kept running...and crying. I went outside and just ran. I still remember looking down at my white shoes and blue uniform pants. I must have needed to go to the hospital that night for preassessments. I didn't know where I was going. But I couldn't think of anything else to do to get all my emotions out. I must have looked like a true crazy person running around my school in my uniform with tears streaming down my face. I had planned on going in and telling my teacher, who also happened to be the head of the department, that I was dropping out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. Too soon. But what she did was probably the best thing of my life. She gave me a hug and just let me cry. and cry. and cry. It was the first time since it happened I was able to abandon what I "should" be like and just let go. She assured me that with time and distance I would get better. (she was right. imagine that). She also encouraged me to maybe see a counselor, and that that was ok.

As soon as I left school that day I was on the phone finding someone to see. Counseling was probably the single best thing I did this whole year. I got diagnosed with PTSD, which totally made sense. The flashbacks. The panic attacks. The nightmares. It was all me. He was able to teach me what to do once these panic attacks start. Throughout our sessions the goal was for me to be able to think of the whole situation. Each day I could get further and further until I needed to stop and had had enough. Then one day I was able to do it!! I used my relaxing techniques to get me through it. It was an amazing day. I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished in my life.

I was able to go through my L&D clinicals, and not only survive them but leave with a renewed love for it. That has always been my goal when I started the process to become a nurse. I had momentarily been scared that I would have to find somewhere else to go. I will be a labor and delivery nurse.

The months following had their ups and downs. Trying to juggle the riggers and drama of nursing school while trying to stay on top of my illness was rough. Sometimes I was better than others. Sometimes I was better to others. And my husband. Poor Chris has had to deal with psycho-stressed-out wife too many times. He has had the brunt of it. We have struggled as a couple on a few things. But we have made it work. I love him.

As each day goes, I am left with a deeper passion that this is my calling. I was made to be a nurse. Before nursing school I wanted to be a nurse. Now I NEED to be a nurse. I can't think of myself as anything but one. I don't know why I never thought of nursing growing up. It was never on my radar as anything. But I am so glad that it got there somehow.

And so now, here I am. 3 semesters down. 1 to go. I am mentally stable. I am so blessed to be in the program I'm in with teachers who are more than understanding. I would have walked out and never come back. I love my class. I love my friends that I have made. I was really worried that I would be that awkward girl in the corner that was just kind of there. I guess I have grown up since high school. lol. But I have made friends, who will probably stay friends my whole life. Its kind of strange coming from me.

For the past year I have lived, breathed, and drank nursing school. It is hard to believe that in a few short months it will all be over and it will all be a distant memory.... or nightmare depending on what test I'm thinking about. Ava's birth changed me more than I ever thought possible. I am a much more independent, confident person. Life is a gift. literally. It has taught me that humans are more resilient that I ever thought possible. I mean, who goes from their deathbed at the hospital to being at the bedside of others in a hospital in a matter of weeks. The human body is amazing. It can put up with so much. Some doctors are stupid. ....its up to me to stand up to them!! I am not the weak and timid Alicia of the past. I am strong. I am Alicia RN....ok. maybe not yet. But oh so soon!!!!!