Ummm Yea.

So last time we conversed I had a hard time at school with chest tubes of all things.

Well, it happened again. Unfortunately. This time at clinicals. It was my last one of the semester, naturally. I had done so good. Made it through labor and delivery and postpartum. They were great. This last week I was in woman's survices taking care of mainly women who have had lady surgeries, hysterectomies, bladder prolaps surgeries, ect. But there are a few postpartum mommies if they are somewhat full over there. My postpartum mom wanted to take a shower. So I left to get some towels. I came back and she was tring to get the water warm, I looked down and she had a shower chair there with her things on it. That was it. The trigger.

When I was in the hospital recovering my big thing was that I wasn't ready to go home if I couldn't shower. I wanted to be able to shower at the hospital because I didn't want to be home and have something happen since I was so weak. I asked if they could find me a shower chair to put in there. They couldn't find one. They finally were able to get a big one on wheels. Well it didn't fit in the shower. So it did me no good. I finally showered shortly before I got discharged. It was the best and worst shower in the world. It felt so good to be in the water getting clean after 4 days in a hospital bed and giving birth. But I was so paranoid that my body would fail me again and I would pass out or something. Luckily, nothing eventful happened.

First I was paturbed angry that she had one and I didn't. Then I was upset that she didn't use it and just put her toiletries on it. Then I was angry at myself for thinking this. And then I was holding back tears. I text my clinical instructor saying I needed to talk. She came up and practically as soon as I saw her I just busted out crying. She got about 2 months worth of pent up emotion thrown at her. She was the only one who didn't know about my situation, so I'm sure I cought her off guard.

We ended up talking for about an hour. I am so glad I talked to her. She told me things about that situation that I had never really thought of. It went to a very spiritual level, which was just what I needed. She showed me parts of me that I never knew. In short, I had been so mad at Heavenly Father for letting this happen to me, I failed to notice that he was right there with me when I was in so much pain. She even said I am one of the bravests girls she has met to go through with nursing school right after that with two kids and everything else. I don't know how true that really is since she is an ICU nurse and I'm sure she sees lots of brave individuals fight for their life. But, I'll take the complament.

I really need to get back to my counseler. It through me off and was so unexpected I didn't even think to do my relaxation techniques. Thats not a good sign. And the fact that I had two pretty good attacks in just a couple days means I need to get back in control. I can't let the situation take over again. Nope. Not going to happen.