Dream

So one of the clinical signs of PTSD is nightmares. Before I had Ava, I would have crazy dreams. But they were always light and fluffy. I was friends with everyone from Glee. I was saving a fish that was swimming in the toilet. My sister in law gave birth to a puppy. You know, the usual run of the mill dreams.

When I went to my counselor for the first time we went through all the symptoms and he asked if I had had any dreams about it. I said no. But then  I got thinking I hadn't really had many dreams since it happened. But the few I have had were a lot darker.

Well last night I had one that pretty much seals the deal that it has seeped into dreamland.

I started out in a ballroom school. I had a partner that was really good and we both were throwing hints and clues to each other as such. So I broke up with my boyfriend who I hadn't talked to in a month(I wasn't married. And Chris wasn't even the boyfriend. So I don't feel THAT bad for breaking up with him. lol). When I told my partner, he told me he was married and I should go away. So I walk forever barefoot in the snow to some hidden beach. Everything that has happened has been night, might I add. I get to the beach and start cutting my wrists with a flat head screwdriver. Then some creepy old man called me over to look at him skin a small pig. He starts taking the skin off and realized the pig is real bloated. So he squeezes its belly and poop comes out. Then all of a sudden a dead baby pops out. Then he starts freaking out because the placenta is stuck inside the pig and he broke the cord. I run away from the man. Then I woke up.

So, yea. Interpret that as you will. I feel disconnected with my husband from nursing school. I'm wanting to try to take some control in my life. And I am still struggling with my stupid uterus issues.