alone

I think the hardest part of all this is feeling alone--so utterly, and terribly alone. My complication was not only really rare, but hardly talked about and acknowledged. I even had a nurse take care of me say she didn't even know that could happen. And its true. I learned about pregnancy, labor, and postpartum these last couple of weeks and it wasn't even a glimmer in the notes.

Its like I feel like no one really sees the horror I lived through....and continue to live. E.V.E.R.Y. day. I feel like if it was something a little more known people would see me as the person I am not after it happened. I know that doesn't make sense. But its how I feel. Its like if someone was in a fire, people at least have some sort of knowledge of how bad that would suck. I know they won't know the extent of it all. But they at least have some sort of base to go off of. I tell people "my uterus came out inside out" they just look at me and either don't make much more of a comment than "wow" or look at me like I am a freak of nature. Very few people have acknowledged it for what it was: a scary earth shattering experience.

I don't want to sound like I want people's sympathy or whatever. And honestly giving people the blunt answer of what happened is easier for me to get through than giving them the run down. But I just hate feeling like I am on a different planet than everyone.

Also what makes me feel all alone is the fact that delivery of the placenta is such a nonchalant thing. They teach you you have your baby and a few minutes later you will deliver the placenta and not even know it. Its just a blink in the terms of pregnancy. But, to me, the third stage of labor defines my pregnancy. It defines me. And saying this out loud, or typing it rather, makes me feel like I am being over dramatic. And I hate that. But how can I not be?

Everyone has heard of postpartum depression. Its on TV in movies. People understand it. They may not totally understand how people can get so depressed and hypnotic that they do bad things to their children, but at least they understand that it exists. They know the concept--someone has a baby and due to hormonal and life changes develop it. It is still somewhat hushed in society. But not nearly as much as other mental illness issues.

And then there is PTSD after childbirth. ummmm....hello? What? Isn't PTSD only for soldiers or people who have been in something horrific like September 11th? Pretty much everyone has a hard labor and delivery, just suck it up. That's how I feel. I should be able to just get past it instead of dwell on it constantly.