Peace

I am half way through precepting. And want to know what? I am actually sad. I don't want to leave. I don't know if I will ever be there. I can hope. I can pray, but who knows. This last couple of weeks has been probably the hardest  have had to deal with in a long time. Its hard not to think about my own birth process when its there in front of you for 12+ hours. Its even harder when you have PTSD that causes these memories to be.... I guess more than memories. My first 3 shifts I was constantly on the verge of falling, or actually falling as the moments took me.

I have finished 5 shifts and I did not have one panic attack the last two. I spent a lot of time in OR. I was worried about that as the OR was a big part of my situation. Each step I took in there I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger. There would be moments I would let my mind wonder, and I had the control to say you know what mind, this isn't your party. I'm not going to do your bidding today. And I didn't. I stayed tear free the whole day.

Then my last day we were going to help receive a baby in the room I had Ava in. I didn't even flinch walking in and seeing the mom there ready to give birth. We ended up not actually staying for the actual birth for some reason. But it wasn't because I  couldn't do it. Do you know how amazing that is?!?

I am still going to struggle. Heck I still do. There is not a day that goes by that I am reminded of that day for some reason. And want to know the sucky thing...I never see it as a day of happiness for bringing me Ava. But I just have to remember that I have had many many happy days with her. That one day does not define me or my relationship with my daughter.

Many people have told me that I am strong to be there blah blah blah. I have a hard time hearing that. I don't know why. I don't really feel strong. I am just doing what needs to be done. Who gets this kind of opportunity? not very many.

I have yet to see the nurse that I had. I work the opposite shift. I really hope that I get to see her and tell her thank you. There have been so many times throughout this crazy year called nursing school that I have thought of her and how she treated me. I hope that I will be such a great nurse as she was to me. I am forever grateful for her for so many reasons. And the thought that she will play such a large part of my life from here on out, yet I was only her patient for 12 hours shows me just how impactful a nurse can be. We can make or break someone's hospital stay. I am so honored to be a part of this humbling field. And while I have all of a sudden turned sappy, I am so grateful for my friends and family who have helped me through this last year, and especially the last few weeks. Everyone has known just what I needed to hear. Everyone's kind thoughts mean the world to me. Seriously. I am so blessed.